Day 26: An area in your life you’d like to improve

The things I would like to improve in my life are an ever-expanding list. I’m obsessed with improving and/or fixing things, to a point at which it becomes an unhealthy quality at times. The area I will highlight today is one I’ve only recently become acquainted with in my own life: anxiety. Just to clarify before you read any further, this is my personal journey. Everyone’s journey looks different, and there is definitely not one road to wellness.

For a long time, I didn’t even realize I struggled with anxiety. When I was in elementary school, I would get the most terrible bellyache as we came up over the hill to our first glance of the town where my school was. This happened every day. I always thought it was just something that stemmed from my health issues. But if that were true, why did it happen every weekday and not on the weekends when I was home? I was too young to realize it. In school, too, I was on edge. Always a little nervous. It became the way I functioned. I was a high-functioning, overachieving, relentlessly nervous little girl who grew into an anxious adult. I think many overachievers can relate to this, for their own reasons.

I’ve been aware of and working on my anxiety for about two years now, ever since I started seeing a therapist. I realized in February 2018 that my life had become a series of small nervous breakdowns leading toward what I feared would be “The Big One” that would wind me up in the hospital. I found myself increasingly unable to deal with crisis, and a crisis seemed to pop up every couple of months. I started going to therapy in the summer of 2018, and the earliest part of the process was the most difficult. My sessions were exhausting, but I could feel myself getting better week by week. I put a lot of effort into it. I’ve always been the one to chase down the extra credit points, and my therapist learned this about me pretty quickly.

By the time I had been through a year of therapy, I felt I had a good handle on my anxiety. I had a lot of mental, spiritual, and emotional tools to use to combat it. I was becoming more adept at identifying anxiety when it popped up and knowing how to cut it off before it became too overwhelming. The current crises have challenged that notion. Turns out my work wasn’t finished yet. The battle that I’m fighting right now isn’t against government regulations or even against the virus. My battle is against my own fear, built up over the course of my entire life. I don’t want to be a slave to it anymore.

The nature of the daily battle is something this season has really driven home for me. Some days are naturally just easier than others, for whatever reason. Some days are devastatingly difficult. Some days I feel like I’m able to navigate my emotions with ease. Other days, it feels like the sky is falling in and there’s nothing I can do. In all honesty, I’m discovering that the greatest tool that I have against my anxiety is fixing bad beliefs about God, myself, the past, the present, and the future. Much of my anxiety has stemmed from deep, quiet doubts about the goodness of God. The age-old question of “What if God doesn’t have the best in mind for me?” has existed since the Garden.

There is something to be said for these daily battles. There is something to be said for weakness. It is in our own weakness that God’s strength has the opportunity to work through us. Knowing that I have a tendency to worry, it’s wild to think back to all the times I did something brave. All the times I got on a plane by myself and lived in a foreign country for a while; all the times I stood up for something I believed in when I knew people would attack me for it. In the most perceptibly dangerous situations, I felt the most peace and the most clarity. I attribute this to God. In my weakness, He became strong through me. I had to depend on Him fully, as I must do now.

It’s wild, because our weaknesses often point us to our destinies. Not because they’re really our strengths but because these are the places where God can come through with His strength in our time of need. The process of working through things has revealed this to me. My tendency to worry actually reveals an area of my life that, if I surrender it to God, will produce good things. Somehow there is strength in that weakness. Anxiety can become courage, if I’ve got my beliefs in order. If I believe God is good. If I believe God is sovereign. If I believe that I can trust Him. If I say no to fear and yes to love. If I acknowledge that it’s only through God’s strength that I accomplish anything.

Strength is found in dependence.

Promotion is found in humility.

Peace is found in letting go of control.

Day 25: Google image search

The prompt: Think of any word. Search it on Google images. Write something inspired by the 11th image.

Not a fan of exercises like this one. But here I go anyway. I thought of the word “horse” and searched it on Google images and found this:

Cool photo. Linked to an article about why horses get frisky when it’s cold out. Here is a brief history of me and horses:

I was one of those girls who loved horses. It’s true. I had books about how to draw horses. The first books I ever read on my own were the Pony Pals series. And later on, I read 18 books of a series called Heartland in a matter of months. I grew up in a farming community, but I only spent a little bit of time on farms. Not only that, but I was a bit of an indoor child. I liked playing piano and reading books. And I didn’t like bugs or getting dirty. But it was all worth it for the opportunity to ride a horse.

I got to ride one for the first time when I was pretty young. My parents took a photo with flash and the horse spooked just a little, but I was able to stay calm and seated. A few years later, my parents let me take some horse riding lessons. I learned about how to groom a horse, how to keep them clean and healthy. I learned a few things about showing horses. I learned how to sit correctly and turn and things like that. It didn’t last a long time, but it was really fun.

Later in life these became valuable skills. I rode a horse and a mule in Ecuador, and I was thankful that I knew how to keep my seat and stay calm. I think I like the idea of riding a horse a lot better than actually riding one, especially considering some of the stinky situations one can find oneself in when dealing with an animal. It’s worth mentioning that I also played a lot of horse video games (no stinky situations involved). There were some competition games, where I learned about dressage rules and show jumping. There were others that were more story-based, including one based on the TV series The Saddle Club. The whole story about that one revolved around finding a hidden treasure that someone had stowed away in a cavern. If I remember right, the final treasure was four golden horseshoes.

Writing this post has put me in the mood to watch one of my favorite childhood movies, Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron. I guarantee you will feel wild, free, and inspired if you watch it. Great music, too!

Day 24: A lesson you’ve learned the hard way

How we handle pain determines many outcomes in our lives. One of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn was how to be rejected. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to handle rejection. I had to learn how to be resilient, taking command of my own thought patterns and beliefs. I had to learn how to stop being a victim. I have made a lot of progress, but I still have my moments. Sometimes the fear of the thing can be worse than the thing itself. Anyone who has struggled with anxiety at any level knows what that means.

I experienced a lot of rejection as a kid. Everyone experiences it at some point. When I started elementary school, rejection was a harsh daily reality that was impossible to escape. I can count my friends during those years on one hand. What’s more, every time I made a friend, they moved away or went to a different school. As I got older and made new friends, the reality of rejection wasn’t such a daily reality anymore, but it didn’t leave me. As I experienced less rejection in daily life, the fear of being rejected again grew in my heart. It became one of my greatest fears, as I never wanted to relive my elementary school experience. I was always afraid at some level that I would end up alone.

The reasons for this are myriad, and they have to do with the beliefs I developed about why I was rejected in the first place. As I got older, my rejection issues translated to fear in the dating and romance realm. Unfortunately, I was prone to crushes; but being utterly terrified of being rejected, I couldn’t find a happy place of acknowledging my feelings and putting them out there or just letting go of them when things didn’t work out. So I held onto a lot of ideas and dreams much longer than I should have, placing a lot of my hope in futures that weren’t meant for me.

I won’t go into details here, but I experienced some rejections that really broke me down. In a way, it was like my worst nightmares had materialized, as I had spent years being afraid of these moments: putting myself out there and not having feelings reciprocated the same way. It was these experiences that led me to start therapy, as I found that the way I was operating was pushing me deeper and deeper into unbearable anxiety. I just wasn’t learning what I needed to learn.

As I delved into the realities of the bullying of my childhood years, I faced up to the pain I was carrying. I acknowledged the reality of it. The truth is that life is absolutely littered with rejections. If you hang onto the idea of rejection and let it infect you, you’ll be filled with self-loathing and doubt. The truth is that I spent a lot of time thinking about the people who rejected me, wondering what was wrong with me and why I wasn’t good enough for them. But I didn’t spend my time thinking about all the people who loved me. In other words, I spent all my time thinking about the wrong things.

Let me be clear. Rejection is difficult. It’s healthy to take time to process the emotions of it; in fact, it’s necessary. I had to acknowledge my pain before I could do anything about it. But at some point, I had to decide who was going to influence my life: the people who had rejected me or the people who had invested in me. There were plenty of people who believed in what I had to offer and who had gone out of their way to help me and love me. I was actually doing those people a pretty big disservice by not accepting what they were offering me.

Resilience is about looking at something difficult and saying, “How can I get through this?” Rather than spending your time trying to answer unanswerable questions, you can think about what power you do have to choose what you will do next. I spent a lot of time thinking about what these various rejections meant about me as a person; I had an extended identity crisis because of some comments people had made years before. It was wasted time. It didn’t give me any valuable information whatsoever, but it provided me with plenty of anxiety and doubt. Now I have to put a lot of effort into wading through my unhealthy beliefs and self-concept in order to move forward, because I created a little bit of a mess for myself.

I’m thankful things are getting better, but it’s work. The fear of the negative emotions created some pathways in my thought processes that I now have to rework. As it turns out, when I finally experienced the bold-faced rejection I had always feared, I survived it. And the pain of the rejection itself was nothing compared to the years of fretting about it. It was those years that created the real garbage. And every day, as I continue to face unhealthy belief patterns, I’m able to clear it out little by little.

Day 23: A letter to someone

Dear seven-year-old Darian,

I know there have been some tough times lately. You’re still getting used to your school. You’re trying to make friends, but you feel like you’re failing. You just can’t figure out the right things to do. Right now, your whole world is church, school, and your tiny hometown. What I can tell you is this: you don’t have to feel limited by any of these circumstances. I want to share a few things with you that may make life a little better, even when your current situation is less than ideal.

I know there are a lot of adults talking to you all the time. They are trying to tell you what the world is and who you are. I know you want to gain their approval, but you shouldn’t take everything they say to heart. Some will be trustworthy and willing to help you; others won’t have a second thought about the impact of their words and actions. Focus on the trustworthy ones. Focus on the ones who make you feel like you can accomplish great things in your life. Focus on the ones who want to help you succeed. If someone says something cruel to you, they may make you feel ashamed. Your true friends will be able to help you grow without dumping shame on you. Those are the ones worth listening to.

Please remember that the most important things in life usually aren’t the things that matter to everyone else. Sure, the Presidential and National Physical Fitness awards might be a big deal to your second grade class; but in the grand scheme of things, these silly awards mean absolutely nothing. Grow up to be kind, intelligent, helpful, diligent, and bold–these are all more important than being able to do a pull-up and run a seven-minute mile. People are going to make comments about your appearance, but remember something: if that’s all they care about, they are shallow people. These comments are a reflection on their being unable to offer you anything of real value. Beauty is more than skin-deep, and what is beautiful to one person may not mean anything to the next person. If you chase after certain beauty standards in order to feel valuable, you’ll find yourself feeling loads of shame, and you will end up wasting your energy worrying about whether you’re good enough. Don’t worry; God didn’t make a mistake with you.

Lastly, be bold. Dream big. Remember that you won’t be in your current state of affairs forever. Life is going to change. Make the most of the moment you’re in. The more time you stay in hiding, the more you will sacrifice everything you have to offer as a result of negative input you never asked for and didn’t deserve. Instead, make God your steadfast foundation. If you open your heart to Him in times of difficulty, He will never fail to show up when you need Him. Life moves pretty fast, and you don’t need to regret leaving things unsaid because you’re afraid of being misunderstood. The truth is that you will be misunderstood at times. Some people don’t want to understand, and that’s okay. You will meet the right people. The right doors will open. You don’t need to feel trapped or hopeless, even when it seems like things will never change. Things will change.

As you dream about traveling the world, don’t overlook South America. Word has it that some pretty stellar things are bound to happen there.

Hang onto the good stuff. Learn from the bad stuff, and then let go of it.

Love,

Twenty-six-year-old Darian

Day 22: Put your music on shuffle and post the first 10 songs

Fresh from my Songs tab on my long-neglected iTunes, here are some songs from my library:

1) “Caruso” by Josh Groban

I don’t know what it is with iTunes. I only have two Josh Groban albums (one is a Christmas album). Without fail, if I put my music on shuffle, I will hear at least one Josh Groban song within the first 10-20 songs.

2) “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” by Michael Bublé

Classic.

3) “The Wolf” by Mumford & Sons

Admittedly, it’s been a while since I’ve listened to Mumford & Sons, but I generally enjoy their stuff.

4) Jeau d’eau by Maurice Ravel (performed by me)

Turns out I still have some voice memos I recorded in college from my senior recital. I forgot I uploaded these.

5) “The Plagues” from The Prince of Egypt Soundtrack

This might be my all-time favorite movie soundtrack.

6) “How He Loves” by Kim Walker

Remember this version? Remember how we all had her little speech in the middle memorized too? This album meant so much to me in my teen years.

7) “Starlight” by Amanda Cook

One of my favorite songs. I still have this one memorized.

8) “Viva la Vida” by Coldplay

This was bound to happen.

9) “Moving Too Fast” from The Last Five Years

Favorite musical.

10) “Sleigh Ride” by Ella Fitzgerald

I knew I wouldn’t escape this exercise without a Christmas song. This is a nice one.

Day 21: Three lessons you want your children to learn from you

In times like these, many are pondering the lessons they are teaching their children. What are we teaching them to value? Are we teaching them to fight injustice and stand with those who are being oppressed? When I start to think of all the things I hope my children will learn from me, the list grows quickly. I’m thankful that I had great models in my parents. They often mentor young parents and have even taught parenting classes, so I know I have some pretty wonderful people in my corner. Obviously, perfect parents do not exist, as perfect people do not exist. But I’m thankful I already have so many great tools and ideas for how to raise my future children well.

Before I get into specifics, I want to mention that my first goal is to give my children a solid foundation in the truth and their identity as children of God. I was raised with this, and it has given me a priceless stability through difficult times. My faith in God is the source of my entire value system. I have had my moments of doubt and uncertainty just like anyone has. But I was given such a solid foundation that I always had something to hold onto. Knowing to pray in times of crisis and difficulty has given me peace and wisdom while I’m still waiting for answers. I want to provide the same solid foundation of faith for my children.

1) Humility

I was a bright kid, I was competitive, and I didn’t like being wrong. My parents knew this better than anyone. They taught me how to embrace the learning process. They explained to me that the most important thing I could get out of school and out of life was learning how to learn. The ability to grow, change, and improve is probably the most valuable skill I have. When you’re convinced you have all the answers, nobody has anything to offer you. The world is an empty and boring place because you already know everything.

I hope my children find joy in learning and don’t let pride get in the way of the learning process. As I continue to mature, I am discovering how tricky pride can be; it doesn’t often appear in the ways we expect. It’s easy to miss the way your own ego can get in the way of what you’re trying to accomplish in life. It can hinder your relationship with others and with God. I want to teach my kids to be lifelong learners who are focused more on lifting others up rather than putting themselves above others. I want them not to be afraid of failure or their own flaws, but rather to focus on doing the work required to grow and become all they’re meant to be.

2) Responsibility

This is multi-faceted, and I’ll do my best to explain what I mean. One of the most important things my parents taught me was to take ownership of my own problems. This isn’t just about being a responsible person, though I want to teach my children that as well. I want them to be faithful when they’ve committed to things and always bring their best. They don’t need to be high-achieving by any one person’s definition, but I want them to be able to take on challenges, own them, and complete them with excellence.

However, there is more to it than that, as productivity isn’t the only valuable goal in life. I also want my children to take responsibility for themselves, their own choices, emotions, and mistakes. It’s easy to have a victim mindset in this life. It’s easy, when life knocks you down (as it inevitably will), to lament your current state of affairs and do nothing to change it. It’s not wrong to feel sad or angry about what happens. I want my children to be able to feel and own their emotions too. But they need to recognize what they do have control over, which is their response to whatever happens to them.

In addition, I want my children to feel a sense of responsibility for their own community. I want them to take ownership and work to make their environment a better place. One of the clearest commands Jesus gave us was “Love your neighbor as yourself.” This means paying attention, particularly to what is happening within one’s own realm of influence.

3) Compassion

I love those people who make the world better everywhere they go. They don’t have to be the smartest in the room or the most talented. They’re the people who are kind and thoughtful, those who simply care about people and want to make a difference. It’s what I struggle to do; it’s something I spend a lot of time thinking about. How can I do more? How can I be better? I want to instill in my children the quality of looking out for others and finding ways to bless people however they can, even in small ways.

Right now I’m seeing one of the largest outpourings of compassion towards others that I’ve ever seen. In the middle of great strife and division, I’ve seen many people rise to the occasion and create a better world for all our children. I hope to see this concern extend itself into our lives from now on, not just in the midst of tragedy and difficulty. I want to teach my children to care about others. No matter their personality types, professions, vocations, or interests, I hope they choose kindness.

City On Fire

I’ve lived in Minnesota all but four years of my life. I’ve only lived in the Twin Cities for about two years. I saw Minneapolis the way most people saw it: progressive, diverse, artsy, interesting. Soon after I moved here, I started to notice some things. I don’t like traffic, so I would often take alternate routes to my destinations. I’ve seen a lot of the city that way. Here’s what I realized pretty quickly: Minneapolis is segregated. Many people are voiceless: there are neighborhoods and people groups I never would have known about if I hadn’t wandered into their spaces.

I’ve had the opportunity to meet people from many different communities in Minneapolis and St. Paul and the surrounding suburbs. I have to be honest and admit a few things. I didn’t know how deeply the people of color here have felt the sting of segregation and exclusion. I didn’t know how deep the racism is here. I didn’t know how dangerous Minneapolis is for a man like George Floyd.

Minneapolis is burning. There is looting and destruction. At first, I had the same thought many people have had: “How does this help? Doesn’t looting and vandalism just make the entire situation worse? Why can’t people protest peacefully?” Let me tell you something: people have been protesting peacefully. Before now, there have been many peaceful protests. Just in the fall of 2019, within the time span of a week or two, there were Black Lives Matter protesters at a Tim Walz rally and an Amy Klobuchar rally. I heard about these from people who were there. I even heard a recording. Do you know what I heard? Anger. Pain. Desperation.

Our black neighbors have been speaking, but we haven’t been listening. Are we going to criticize the outpouring of anger and pain coming from our neighbors when we haven’t paid attention to (or have even criticized) their peaceful methods prior to this? After one of them has been ruthlessly murdered on the street by someone whose job is to serve and protect? Minneapolis will never forget the events of this week. As it should be. We shouldn’t forget the events of this week. However, there is something more important we should not forget. We should never forget the stain of racism that has marred this city for decades and decades on end. We shouldn’t ignore it. Whether looting or rioting is right or not doesn’t really matter right now because the endless racism in our community is decidedly evil and has existed among us quietly and loudly for far too long. Enough is enough.

It’s also worth mentioning that most of the protest I’ve been seeing is still peaceful. Despite everything. There is looting, but there is also cleaning. People are helping others in the midst of the chaos. People are coming together like they never have before. I have so much admiration for people of color who are stepping out to help and heal even while their own community suffers and mourns. We can all learn something from them. I know that situations like this are complicated and that I have no idea what it means to experience racism and oppression like this personally. Please hear me. My heart breaks for the people of Minneapolis. I can feel their anger and their desperation to be heard and valued more than ever in this moment.

We must hear their pain. It must move us to do more than we have been doing. Instead of criticizing them or making excuses or staying out of it, we must allow their voices to be lifted up. We must do everything in our power to help them be heard. We must be humble enough to listen and learn, to say “What can I do for you? How can I help?” And then listen. If it means lifting up your voice, lift up your voice. If it means standing aside so someone else can speak, stand aside and let them speak. We must all keep learning.

The voiceless are using their voices. It’s far past time for this. Demand justice.

Black. Lives. Matter.

Day 19: Your first love

I thought I knew what love was before I met Saulo. In truth, I knew what it meant to have a strong infatuation with someone, but I didn’t know what being in love was. Even after I met him and we “fell in love,” I still didn’t know. Now that a year has passed and we have been through so much together, I see how deep and wonderful and marvelous love can be, as it shows up in so many different ways in the everyday comings and goings of our lives. This is just a glimpse of our story.

I had had a long series of disappointments. Just when I thought things were starting to look up and maybe I wouldn’t be rejected again, I would be rejected again. I went through a process of learning how God was guiding me through that season, but I also felt jaded and hopeless about the future. I thought it would happen for me eventually, but by that time I had stopped caring. I started casually seeing someone I met through work, someone I had no business being with and whom I wasn’t serious about. That’s when I left on my missions trip to Brazil, with absolutely no idea what was about to happen.

It’s worth mentioning briefly that someone came up to me at church the week before I left and told me that “something I had been waiting for for a long time is coming, and it’s better than I ever imagined it could be.” I wrote it off like, okay cool, but in God’s timing I don’t really know if “soon” means the same thing to Him as it does to me.

I sat across from Saulo at lunch on our first day. We had been ministering at local schools in the morning, and I discovered that he was from the same city I lived in almost five years before. Unfortunately, at that same lunch, Saulo found out that I was seeing someone, which (he told me later) made him pretty disappointed. As the week continued, I started to realize, thanks to some encouragement from my team leader, that I needed to break things off with the guy I was seeing. I realized that I had no business doing what I was doing and that I had allowed my disappointment about other things to cloud my judgment.

By the third day of the trip, I was texting my friends saying, “I have a problem. I have a really big crush on one of the Brazilians.” He was so funny and sweet. He was taking photos for the ministry we were working with, but every once in a while I saw him praying with some of the students. He even helped translate for me at times (and I always secretly hoped he would). We had some really special moments ministering together before we ever got together. I just found myself wanting to be close to him. It was different than anything I felt before. It’s difficult to describe.

The fourth night of the trip was the first night of revival meetings for the town we were in. I was having an extremely difficult day. I was experiencing doubts about my contributions to our team, my relationship with God, my purpose in life–everything you could imagine. I spent some time with God praying and working through things. And I felt a sense of breakthrough. I felt I had been realigned with my purpose and my calling. I remembered everything God had told me in the years prior; He reminded me of the big moments of revelation and realignment in other seasons. That night my feelings for Saulo intensified. I found myself envisioning our life together without even trying. I wrote it off. Missions trip crush, you know? Emotions running high.

On the fifth day of the trip, my whole life changed forever. During the day, my own feelings for him were overwhelming. I kept telling myself that this was God showing me that I have a hopeful future and that I just have to focus on Him. But I was trying to decide whether I should tell Saulo how I feel before I left a few days later. During our revival meeting that night, I was walking through the crowd and looked back to the stage. It was like a movie. There was Saulo, just standing there looking at me. We held each other’s gaze for what felt like at least 30 seconds, and God spoke something to me in that moment that I will never forget, something that connected back to a word He had spoken to me after one of my worst heartbreaks. I turned around and thought, “No, no. There’s no way. Things like that don’t happen.” Later that night, Saulo and I had the opportunity to be alone, and the first thing he asked me was, “So… who are you?”

We started talking about our families, sharing about our journeys. The conversation got deeper until there was a moment of silence. Then Saulo said, “So am I crazy or… is something happening here?” We started to discuss our feelings for each other. We talked about how a long-distance relationship would look, how much work it would be. And neither one of us hesitated. I said, “Life is short. I think we should go for it. When does something like this ever happen?” I used to say I would never date someone from another country because it would be too painful. If I ever chose that path, it would have to be worth it.

I can say without hesitation that it has been entirely worth it. The two times I’ve now had to leave Saulo behind in Brazil to come back to the US have been two of the most painful days of my life. Sometimes being away from him is so difficult that I feel like I can’t take it. But in the middle of it, our hearts have grown closer not only to each other but to God. We have to trust Him with every step, especially now. This is only a small portion of the whole story. There were so many things that made it entirely clear that God led me back to Brazil for this.

If I can say one thing about our story, it’s that impossible things are not out of reach because God is a God of miracles. I never believed I would find someone who I could connect with on this level: someone who understands that love is a choice; someone who understands that love is about sacrifice; someone who challenges me and encourages me to step into my own purpose; someone who wants to use his own gifts to help others. Over the past year and into our current season, I’m seeing how God’s ways are higher than ours. As I had begged God for things that weren’t meant for me, all the while He had patiently said, “Wait. I’ve got something better for you.”

I stood on a beach in Brazil in 2014, just outside Saulo’s hometown, and asked God for answers. My heart was discouraged and weighed down by disappointment. I felt the pain of not knowing what the future would hold. God spoke to my heart and said, “Trust Me. I have a plan. Everything is going to happen at the right time.” And He must have been smiling. Because he knew Saulo was right there, just down the road, and both of us were just waiting for our moment.

Day 18: Thirty facts about yourself

I am adopted (and blessed!).
I have been playing piano since age 4.
I’ve also been reading since age 4 (it was a big year for me, see below).
When I was 4, I choked on a peppermint at a restaurant and then had to get my tonsils removed.
My parents took me to Disney World for the first time after my surgery. We went twice more, when I was 10 and 16.
I have tried to learn how to ski 3 separate times, and I’m too scared to do it (I never made it past the bunny hill).
My church held revival meetings for quite some time while I was a kid, so I spent most nights on the church floor coloring and listening to sermons.
As a kid, I had an imaginary friend who was a mouse named Deef.
I went to basketball camp for a couple years during elementary school and played on my school’s team until high school.
I won a spelling bee in 4th grade and moved on to the next level, only to get out a few rounds in on the word “injury” because I accidentally said G instead of J (and you can’t change a letter once you’ve said it).
My favorite childhood book was Where the Wild Things Are.
I once played a rat in a Prairie Fire Children’s Theatre production of Cinderella.
I have played every game in the Nancy Drew video game series by Her Interactive.
The first time I ever left the country was on a missions trip to Guatemala when I was 14.
I went to piano camp for 10 days in high school.
I spent most of my high school years at piano competitions. I won first place once.
I interviewed with Princeton during my college search (I was not accepted).
I went to the same college as a US president and received a scholarship in his name.
I lived in Brazil for one month in 2014 and attended the US vs. Ghana game at the 2014 World Cup.
I lived in Ecuador for one month in 2015.
The best meal I ever ate was at a cafe in Gdańsk, Poland: potato pancakes with smoked salmon, sour cream, and caviar.
I have attempted to learn at least 9 languages. I can speak English and Portuguese, and I used to be able to speak Spanish and Polish (sorta).
I played piano at a reception for Sandra Day O’Connor when she visited my alma mater, and I met her briefly.
Despite majoring in music in college, I took so many history classes that I was only a few credits away from being a history major as well.
I wrote a thesis about Dmitri Shostakovich as part of my honor’s program in college.
I worked as a writing tutor, organist, accompanist, assistant editor, music assistant, and piano teacher while I was doing my undergrad (thankfully not all at the same time).
I have given 4 solo piano recitals and played a concerto movement with an orchestra.
I substitute taught a class at the Guthrie, and I have been an assistant in a few other classes/workshops.
Baking chocolate chip cookies is one of my favorite activities.
I met the love of my life when I went back to Brazil in 2019, only to discover that his hometown is the same city I lived in when I was there in 2014.

Day 17: Your zodiac sign (?)

I don’t buy into my generation’s fascination with zodiac signs. I’ve always been told that horoscopes are written in such a way that anyone could see themselves reflected in any sign, and I’ve generally observed this to be true. However, a lot of people are really interested in this. No judgment, but I don’t really get it. We all have to get our identity from somewhere. Some people get it from their own accomplishments or brain power. Others get it from popularity or fame. Others try to track patterns in the stars. I believe in God, an active Creator who created each one of us with care. Many of the battles we fight on a personal level come down to our beliefs about who God is and who we are.

For what it’s worth, I’m a scorpio. I relate to some things about the type but not others. I hesitate to go into details about how I relate and how I don’t relate, because I don’t put a lot of stock into the whole thing. I am going to take a little detour here into other personality tests and types (as I have more interest in those).

My friends and I enjoyed taking personality tests together in college and sharing our results (which is something we still do pretty often). We love the silly ones on Buzzfeed, but we have taken our fair share of others that provide us a little more insight into how we tick. There are two in particular that have benefited me a lot: the Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram (I’ve never taken a Strengths Finder, but I’ve done something else that is similar). I discovered that my Myers-Briggs is INFJ and I’m an Enneagram One.

I loved my Myers-Briggs results. I felt that INFJ really fit me and explained why I often felt misunderstood. It highlighted some of the things I care most about and gave me confidence to pursue those. In many ways, it validated my introversion and allowed me to feel more comfortable with my personality. It’s always helpful to feel like someone else relates to your challenges and experiences. My experience with the Enneagram, however, was a bit of a bumpy ride. If you’re familiar with the Enneagram, you know that that there are 9 personality types (with endless combinations of various sub-types, wings, and levels). This system focuses more on personal development and growth (which means coming to terms with your not-so-nice qualities).

When I first read my Enneagram One description, I shut my laptop and just thought, “Nope.” I definitely felt exposed, and I wasn’t ready to accept this description of myself. Ones are known for (often) being perfectionists who are focused on doing things right more than anything else. They are most worried about being defective, wrong, and evil. I came back to the Enneagram a few years after I first took the test, more open to the possibility of learning something, and I began a journey of personal exploration that has benefited me more than almost anything else I’ve ever done. In conjunction with my journey through therapy, realizing my toxic traits and which lies they spring from has helped me so much.

If you don’t know anything about the Enneagram, you can find an endless amount of information online, especially as it grows in popularity. As mentioned above, there are many tendencies that differ from person to person. There are many different reasons for a person to turn out the way they do. But the knowledge of this type has helped me a lot over the last couple of years. I would encourage anyone reading this to think about the source of their identity. We live in a society where a lot of people are encouraging others to create their own identities. The answer to this question of the source of our identity is paramount in terms of who we become. What we believe about who we are and where we come from actually determines who we become.