Day 16: Something that you miss

I don’t miss my daily commute. I don’t miss how busy I was, if I’m being honest. When quarantine began, I quickly discovered how little my busyness was doing for me. What I do miss is normalcy. I miss looking forward to things. Plans didn’t feel so fragile before this started. I know, pandemic or no, that there is always the possibility that plans could change, and that’s okay. But now it feels like an inevitability that things will have to be postponed or cancelled. It has become an expectation for me, which probably isn’t a healthy way for me to handle this difficult time.

I’m always missing someone or something. It’s something I have struggled with for some time. I started seeing a therapist about two years ago, and the thing we’ve worked on most is staying in the present moment. I have spent a lot of time thinking about either the past or the future, rarely paying attention to what is happening right now.

When I think about the past, I think about the people I miss and the experiences I’ve had. Sometimes I wish I could just take a trip back to a memory and live in it for a while. Just a little vacation from the present. I’ve also spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about mistakes I’ve made or things I wish I would have done differently. The problem is that this pattern of thinking doesn’t do much for me. Sometimes I can think back to something and deal with my own emotions and interpretations of what happened, and this is healthy. But if I keep going over it again and again, it turns into a meditation, and this is not helpful.

When I think about all the people and experiences that I miss, it’s easy to forget about the things I do have right now. This pattern of thinking makes me feel like I’ve lost something because I was happier then than I am right now. This isn’t the right way to think about it. The amazing experiences and wonderful people I’ve met have all contributed to who I am today. They’re the reason I have those memories to replay in the first place. These happy memories should be something that can sustain me through the difficult season, rather than something that makes me lament the good times that will never return.

Good times will return. If I put my happy memories in context, I see unhappy memories scattered around them. Life has always been a mixed bag. Even though missing people is painful, I can be thankful that those people were part of my life in the first place. When I miss something or someone, it signals that I’ve had a lot of blessings in my life. The bitterness of just one season doesn’t need to take that away.

Day 15: My day in bullet-points

Welcome to Groundhog Day. You know how it is. This is May 20, 2020.

  • Wake up and do my at-home morning routine (short and sweet)
  • Turn on my work computer, open all my tabs, check the calendar for meetings
  • Make breakfast: egg whites, sausage, and swiss on a wrap
  • Watch The Clone Wars series while doing data cleanup work
  • Edit today’s blog post, then publish and share
  • Read a chapter of Beyond Talent: Creating a Successful Career in Music by Angela Myles Beeching
  • Study Portuguese with Using Portuguese
  • Watch an episode of Coisa Mais Linda to practice my Portuguese
  • Make lunch: leftover chicken and rice and a lime popsicle
  • Watch Mulan and do some more data cleanup work
  • Write first draft of the blog post for the next day
  • Read 25 pages of A Canticle for Leibowitz by Walter M. Miller, Jr.
  • Eat some zucchini bread
  • Watch Khan Academy videos about personal finance and housing
  • Watch Psych and do a little more data cleanup work
  • Walk and listen to the Office Ladies podcast
  • Shower
  • Eat dinner: lamb burgers with goat cheese and a side of green beans (and red wine)
  • Video call my boyfriend Saulo
  • Watch YouTube videos of people trying to guess what language other people are speaking
  • Show my parents some TikToks
  • Read my Bible (if you want to get a routine going, try a yearly plan–it works wonders)
  • Watch Psych and doze off
  • Fall asleep to the sounds of Parks & Recreation

Notes:

  • I do have more of a job than just mindless data cleanup. I also answer the phone and do some other tasks, though my job has certain shifted quite a bit since we all started working remotely.
  • Wednesday is my dad’s day off and a half-day for my mom. It’s always nice to have some people around, as I don’t get the interaction at the office anymore.
  • Now you can see some (not all!) of the media I’m consuming during the quarantine. Wow.
  • Empty spaces between some of these bullet points are less often filled with scrolling social media and more often filled with playing Mario Kart on my phone. This is intentional.
  • Yesterday I listened to Brazilian jazz while I studied Portuguese (as I normally do) and to the Finding Nemo soundtrack while I was writing.
  • I’m glad I was able to record a day with a video call to my best friend!

Day 14: Movies you never get tired of watching

Which movies will you always watch if you catch them on TV? Even if it’s just a few minutes? That’s how I picked the movies in this list. This is not a complete list by any means, but these are some of my favorites in a few different genres.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

I inherited this one from my dad. Before I ever saw this movie myself, I couldn’t understand why my dad would always turn it on when he saw it on the channel guide. When I finally watched it, I understood! There are few movies that bring me as much joy as this one. There are so many hilarious and iconic moments throughout. I love John Hughes movies in general, but I’m not always in the mood for something like The Breakfast Club. Not so with Ferris. This is definitely a go-to.

Inglourious Basterds

Maybe this is going to seem like an odd choice after my first one, but I love this movie. As with John Hughes, I love Quentin Tarantino movies in general, but I’m not always in the mood for them. I’ll watch this movie almost every chance I get. There are several storylines switching back and forth before the final action begins and all the characters come together. The acting is fabulous, and this movie made me want to learn French, German, and Italian so I could communicate as effortlessly as the European characters in the movie do (unsurprisingly, the American characters are not nearly as adept, which makes for some laughs). There is danger, intrigue, action, and definitely a lot of indulgent humor. It’s always worth watching at least a few minutes of it.

Monsters, Inc.

There are a few other Disney and/or Pixar movies I could have listed here, but this one is by far my favorite. I really think it’s the Billy Crystal/John Goodman buddy combo that does it for me. I love movies and TV shows about friendship (my favorite series is Psych), and this one is really all about the friendship between Mike and Sully (and eventually Boo, too). When I was a kid, I watched this movie over and over again; I still have most of the script memorized. I watched all of the behind-the-scenes content as well. I always get a kick out of the jokes, and it’s such a heartwarming story on so many fronts. And the music is jazzy and fun, thanks to Randy Newman.

Maid in Manhattan

I haven’t watched this movie for a long time, but I’m always excited to watch it. I can’t really identify why I love it so much. It’s probably Ralph Fiennes, if I’m being honest. (He’s going to show up a couple more times on this list; I’m a fan.) As far as romantic comedies go, it’s not necessarily the most original or the best executed, but something about it just gets me. I’ve always enjoyed seeing Jennifer Lopez in romantic comedies, and Tyler Posey is adorable as her little boy, too. I love “unlikely” love stories, even if they’re packaged in predictable rom-com packages. It’s like a Cinderella story, and I’ve got a weakness for those.

The Prince of Egypt

The music in this movie. There are a few movies that will make me cry every single time I watch them, and this is one. Hans Zimmer is my favorite movie composer, and this is one of my favorites of his scores. The songs are so inspiring and beautiful. You can feel the weight of the story in every piece of it. What is happening feels so significant. The spirit of the whole moment is right there. The animation is also gorgeous, and the creators captured the biblical scale of the story (even though they toned down some of the signs and the plagues). When I was a kid, I was totally captivated by this film, and this has not changed.

The Dark Knight

If I have to pick one Chris Nolan movie to go on this list, it’s gotta be this one. It’s a pretty dark movie, but it’s one I have enjoyed watching over and over again. I’ve even had a movie night with friends when we called each other and watched/discussed it together. It’s consistently fascinating to see Heath Ledger in this role, and I always notice more nuances of his performance upon rewatch. There are also so many musings on good, evil, corruption, and justice that I have a slightly different perception of it every time I watch. These are things our society grapples with all the time, so this film always feels relevant to me.

The Grand Budapest Hotel

This movie brought me so much joy from the first moment I ever saw it. It’s delightfully weird and funny, with a great cast, and I enjoy Wes Anderson’s quirky style. I love the colors and the feel of this movie the most. The story is all over the place, and there is a lot of odd humor, which I particularly enjoy. I always have a good time watching this film, and I always get some great laughs out of it.

Sabrina

The original. With Audrey Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart. The Billy Wilder script. The dynamic between Hepburn, Bogart, and Holden. La Vie en Rose. I love everything about this movie. As mentioned above, I love unexpected love stories. Hepburn and Bogart are two of my favorite actors of the era, and I love seeing them together. Her style in this movie inspired me a lot in my late teen years when I chopped all my hair off and dreamed of walking through Paris in the rain (without an umbrella). It’s a film I don’t watch nearly often enough. I love it.

Day 13: What are you excited about?

My answer to this would have been a little different a few months ago. I imagine this is true for most people right now. There has been a lot of disappointment this year. I was excited for a lot of things. I was excited about shows I was going to see, friends who were going to visit, new opportunities I was going to have. Last night I was thinking about what I thought my life would be in April, May, and June. Certainly nothing like this.

When I started thinking about that, I got really discouraged. I thought about all the things I had lost due to the shutdown. I really had an exciting spring planned, probably the most exciting spring I’ve ever had. There has been a grieving process in letting those things go. It’s difficult to see right now how those things will be restored, but I have to believe they will. Right now there is something much more profound at work.

I’m excited about different things now. Because I don’t know about future plans, sadly I sometimes feel a sense of dread about the future. I’m working on turning that dread into optimism. But there has been a lot of disappointment to process, and it’s always a challenge. Now I’m excited about things that exist closer to my present moment. On Saturday, I was excited to bake a pie with my mom. It was a spur of the moment idea, and we had a lot of fun (and it turned out quite well!). Video calling my boyfriend or my friends makes me excited. I always feel refreshed after I connect with them. I get excited when the weather is nice enough that I can take a long walk and then relax in my hammock for a while. I love the excitement that comes with starting a new book or a new project.

A crisis like this has a way of bringing the attention to the present moment. There is an understanding of the idea that tomorrow isn’t promised. We must find joy and fulfillment in today, even if we aren’t where we want to be yet. What I’m truly excited for is seeing how this quarantine has changed each of us. I know I’m a different person than I was at the beginning of this year, and this growth feels incredibly accelerated. It’s exhausting at times, as I like to limit myself to one epiphany per week if possible, but God has been so present and kind in revealing unhealthy thought patterns and beliefs during this time.

Quarantine has revealed things to each one of us. For me, some of the truths were enlightening and beautiful; others were difficult, ugly truths that required me to humbly acknowledge them and change. Every day offers this opportunity, but I am often too distracted and busy to notice. My priorities have changed. My perception has changed. My relationships have deepened. I’m excited to see what kind of people we all are when this is over.

Day 12: Five blessings

Feeling #blessed in a season like this one doesn’t happen naturally. Joy must be intentional right now, and thankfulness helps me stave off depression on a daily basis. This list is just a small sampling of specific blessings, some that help me directly during this time and others that sustain me through the wilderness by reminding me of God’s faithfulness in every part of my story.

1) Family

I’m thankful that my parents and I get along so well and enjoy each other’s company. I’ve been living with them since I graduated two years ago (to save money), but I will be moving out later this year when I find an apartment. I’m truly enjoying this time with them, even though we get bored and frustrated with the lockdown at times. I’m blessed to have them, as they have always made home a safe place for me.

I’m also thankful for my extended family and the way they have cared for me over the years. I can see how blessed I am to have so many people who love and care about me. Every family is different, and no family is perfect; but I recognize how blessed I am with mine. I’m also so thankful for my Brazil family, who were quick to accept me and make me feel totally at home with them.

2) College friends

This isn’t to diminish friendships I made outside college (because many of those have been absolutely vital to me), but I want to highlight my college friends here. When I went to college, I hoped to make some great friends. I was completely shocked at how wonderful my college friends turned out to be. In my experience, small schools had been a problem. It was easy to feel lonely and excluded. I worried that my small college would be like this too. However, my college experience turned out to be the opposite of everything I had experienced before. By senior year, I had a group of friends who knew me better than anyone else ever had. They had walked with me through a lot of painful experiences, and we understood each other’s struggles very well. My college friends have stayed close in the years following, and I could not be more thankful for them.

3) Financial provision

My final years of high school were stressful. I wanted to go to college because I loved to learn and wanted opportunities and good connections. I was concerned about the financial burden and hesitant to take out large loans. I knew my test scores were good but not good enough to make me competitive at a lot of my dream schools. I applied to a couple East Coast schools and was wait-listed at one and rejected at another. Long story short, I received a scholarship at my undergraduate institution that allowed me (with help from my parents and some part-time campus jobs) to get my Bachelor’s without taking out any loans. I also had the opportunity to travel to four countries during my college years, and those experience shaped my life in countless ways. I thought the blessing would end there.

I wanted to apply for graduate school. My college piano professor encouraged me to apply, and I was excited about the prospect. I became discouraged as I was again hesitant to take out large loans and wasn’t sure I could compete at my dream schools. I was in Redding, California, with some friends over winter break and had someone give me a simple prophetic word: 10K. What he didn’t know was that I had been number crunching in the days prior and knew that I needed to be able to receive $10,000 a year in order to be able to live with family, teach on the side, and live within my means.

A few weeks later I was awarded a graduate assistantship at a graduate school that would allow me to work with a professor I already knew and admired and to make enough money between the stipend, teaching, and extra gigs to live within my means and not have to take out any loans. Not only were my finances taken care of, but I had an incredible experience. I grew not only into a better musician but a more courageous person.

4) Mentors

There are three sets of mentors I’m particularly thankful for, and it might seem like cognitive dissonance: pastors, piano teachers, and professors. I’ll start with pastors, the people who gave me stability and helped me build a foundation for my life. As a child, I was both hurt and healed by Christians. I encountered God at a young age at revival meetings at our church and understood what it meant to be in relationship with God on a daily basis. My mom became a children’s pastor, and our staff of pastors helped guide me through some of the most difficult times of my life. While other Christians had hurt me deeply, this group of people demonstrated God’s love, which sustained me through some very painful experiences.

I’m incredibly thankful for my piano teachers, who have also been a sustaining force through stormy seasons. It wasn’t just about my progress for them; they cared about my life. Playing piano often provided an escape for me, but my piano teachers molded it into much more. They helped me see how many opportunities I could have, and they continue to do this now. In a similar way, my college professors provided so many valuable insights into what the future could hold for me. They challenged me, while also encouraging me and drawing out my best work. I am blessed to keep in contact with my college professors; I love sitting down for coffee or a meal with them whenever I can.

5) Love

This post wouldn’t be complete without expressing my thankfulness for Saulo, the love of my life. He blesses me every single day. Dating from a distance has been more difficult and painful than I ever anticipated, but there is something so special about appreciating the sacrifices we have both made to be together. Intentionality is the foundation of the relationship because we wouldn’t have been together if we hadn’t decided from the first moment that it was worth it. Being apart, we can’t be blessed by gifts or time spent together physically, so we have to find other ways to bless each other. Saulo goes out of his way to make sure I feel loved, valued, and safe in this relationship. He is truly a gift from God in my life.

Day 11: Something you always think “What if…” about

This is a season of what-ifs. I don’t know a single person whose life and plans haven’t been affected by everything that is happening right now. This week I have been wrestling with several what-ifs of my own. Answering this prompt feels a little different right now. My life has been turned upside down in many ways. I’m sure anyone reading this can relate to that. It’s natural to play out scenarios in your head, to try to figure out how you would react in every possible outcome you can imagine. I’ve spent my fair share of time wondering what would happen if I lost a loved one or if myself or someone I love were diagnosed with a terminal illness. My imagination can lead me to a dark and painful place if I allow it. The more I think about what could go wrong, the more I start to wonder if tragedy is just around the corner. What if something terrible is coming?

I realize how futile that line of thinking is, but it usually isn’t easy to make myself stop. These scenarios playing out in my head easily lead me to despair. It’s easy to forget that anything has ever gone right when it feels like everything is going wrong. My imaginings prevent me from remembering all the times when God was faithful and everything worked out. My first line of defense against this rabbit hole of despair is thankfulness. Thankfulness reminds me of all the things that have gone right, especially the things I wasn’t powerful enough to change on my own. This fosters trust in God’s promises and His faithfulness.

My power lies in my ability to change my what-ifs by shifting my focus slightly. When I uproot my what-ifs from a place of fear and plant them in hope instead, my perspective shifts. Instead of asking questions about what will happen if I experience a loss or a disappointment, I ask questions about what good things could be around the corner, what dreams could be fulfilled. What if, instead of making my what-ifs about what could go wrong, I make them about what could go right? Losses and disappointments will come, but it doesn’t mean that the good things are gone forever.

It’s so easy to jump straight to worse-case scenarios. Our scary what-ifs lead to even scarier ones, and we follow them down that rabbit hole of despair. This is my imagination tool being used incorrectly. Just because my mind has the ability to create scenarios doesn’t mean they are realistic scenarios, and it also doesn’t mean they need to be negative scenarios. I can imagine positive things instead, if I choose. It takes practice, but each of us has the power to do it.

What if someday I will be able to have a job in a field I’m passionate about? What if I can live an amazing life with the people I love? What if I will have enough money to provide for the needs of my family and to give to others generously? What if I will create something that will help others? What if my children grow up to be amazing people who will change the world forever?

See? It can work both ways. It’s all going to be okay.

Day 10: Something you have strong feelings about

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about poverty and how we relate to it when we aren’t the ones experiencing it directly. One time I observed a group exercise in which a group of high school seniors had to decide how to disburse a certain amount of money, something like $10 trillion. I remember one of them saying, “Well, you can’t really do anything about poverty, so maybe we shouldn’t use a very big percentage of the total for that.” Poverty was not discussed again after that moment.

That certainly wasn’t the first time I had ever heard something like that. Conversely, I observe many people who talk about poverty constantly, eager to blame certain forms of government or ideology for poverty. It becomes an argument about power rather than solutions. The difficulty is that solutions aren’t simple by any stretch of the imagination. As we have seen, raising money to send to underdeveloped countries doesn’t solve problems of injustice, corruption, lack of resources, or natural disasters (among many other things) that can cause widespread poverty.

Poverty is so shameful and dehumanizing that it makes us uncomfortable just thinking about it. I have never experienced poverty, and just thinking about the situations that people are face on a daily basis unsettles me. I can’t imagine not knowing where my next meal will come from or whether I will have a place to live. Particularly in America, I notice how people will justify the poverty around them by making some assumptions about the individual. There is often an assumption that poor people want to live off the system, that they’re irresponsible or on drugs, that they’re living the consequences of their choices. In some cases, this may be true. Pity can certainly be just as useless and dehumanizing as these assumptions, so what’s the answer?

Psychologists tell us that our brains like to find the quickest path to a conclusion. That’s why stereotypes exist; our brain likes to categorize people because it’s less work. I don’t want to rely on these shortcuts as I observe the world around me. I want to view my neighbors as human beings with the potential to do good in the world. Each of us has the same potential for good and evil; a lot of people aren’t given the tools or confidence to pursue the good. This is not about removing personal responsibility. It’s about empowering people to rise up in dignity and have the ability to contribute to the well-being of themselves, their families, and the world at large.

I am challenging myself in this, to think about how best to love my neighbor. Maybe it’s not so jazzy to volunteer or work in my own community to help people. It would look cooler to go somewhere else, to travel the world doing it. And don’t get me wrong, I would love to do that too, and it’s not a bad thing. But how can I care about the person on the other side of world but not the one down the street? I think we often become ambitious about the great work we want to do, and we undervalue the people right in front of us. I believe we are to be responsible for our own communities first. Because our American culture is so focused on personal development and individual success, we have a tendency to make it about ourselves instead of about the people we claim we want to help.

I highly recommend When Helping Hurts by Brian Fikkert and Steve Corbett if you are looking for a biblical approach to poverty alleviation that values the humanity and potential of every person. This book has helped me to begin evaluating the complex reasons for poverty and how they differ from community to community and person to person. It has also helped me to identify my own pride and biases, explaining how our worldviews affect our poverty alleviation strategies. When we believe we have the solutions to all problems just because we are white, middle-class Christian Americans, what we actually have is a god complex. We believe people must simply emulate us, and this is arrogance and privilege. We must approach the poor with humility and humanity, recognizing that the best source for solutions is often found within the individuals who are living in the midst of the problems. We must help them tap into their own power and creativity; they will accomplish it better than we can as outsiders.

I recognize how complicated it is. But in my God I see a value for all humanity, with special attention reserved for the poorest of us. About half the world lives on $5.50 per day. These are our neighbors. Imagine what these people are capable of. They can often only focus on their most basic needs because it’s a matter of survival. If they were able to pursue higher goals, imagine what they could do. We must value and recognize their humanity, regardless of their race or background or socio-economic standing. It should matter to us that they are prevented from reaching their God-given potential because they lack their most basic needs.

Day 9: Words of wisdom

Perspective is truly valuable. In the middle of a crisis, a little perspective can change everything. When I feel totally surrounded by bad news, I try to turn my attention to something else. Sometimes the something else is silly or fun or meaningless, and other times I look for something that will help me gain some perspective. Today I chose some words of wisdom that I saw on Randall Worley’s Instagram page a few weeks ago. He posted a photo with the quote: “We know we are being guided and our complete reliance on that guidance is exactly what allows our journey to happen.” In the caption he included a quote from Byron Katie:

If you want real control, drop the illusion of control; let life have you. It does anyway. You’re just telling yourself the story of how it doesn’t.

I’m a planner. I’m strategic. I tend to overthink things. When life doesn’t go as planned, I’m reminded of my own humanity in the sense that there are many things I can’t control. There are many things upon which my actions have no effect. I can plan and strategize and worry ad infinitum. But I find that things never truly go according to plan. My feeble attempts to control things undermine my trust in God, all the while further convincing myself that I know how things should happen.

I never realized how arrogant that was until now. Don’t get me wrong. It’s good to set goals and plan things out. It’s good to be prepared and to take precautions. But if I believe that my preparations mean that I’m in control of the outcome, I’ve crossed a line into believing I’m more than I really am. Dependence is the better path because it’s the path that accepts the reality of my smallness in the universe. It’s the realization that I am not a god. I need help. I need wisdom. I need provision.

There is freedom in admitting that I don’t have the answers. It doesn’t mean that I give up on planning or setting goals. Rather, I have the freedom to make trust in God my foundation. The answers will come. The right doors will open. The season will change. The storm will be stilled. Sometimes the only thing I can do is stop and listen, meditating on the truth that can’t be shaken. The only thing I can truly control is what I will believe and how I will respond in crisis. And I choose trust.

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39

Day 8: Something you struggle with

As the title and description of this blog reflect, my greatest challenge is perfectionism. I was a highly capable child. I learned to read before I started Kindergarten, and the basic concepts we learned in elementary school came easy to me. Things became more difficult as I got older, but for a long time I was able to reach a certain level of perfection with my work. Timed math tests, for example. I was generally able to finish them with plenty of time left. And I usually scored close to 100%. Even as I approached high school, because I was offered extra credit on some assignments and tests, I was able to achieve percentages higher than 100% in certain classes. With the right amount of preparation and focus, perfection felt attainable.

As I got older, I recognized that the concept of perfection is more complicated than percentages and grades on report cards. Everyone makes mistakes. Often you don’t know what you don’t know, and learning requires making mistakes. Learning requires not being good at something the first time you do it. Oddly enough, the activity I always loved most was playing piano. It takes a long time and many mistakes to learn to play piano well. Being a perfectionist gave me the drive to play things correctly and to follow all the advice my teachers gave me. But being a perfectionist also prevented me from really listening to what I was playing. When I was in college and graduate school, I realized that I was over-concentrating on getting everything right, which prevented me from hearing how I actually sounded. In terms of playing all the correct notes, perfection was impossible. I already knew that. But it took a long time for me to learn that you can play all the notes correctly and still miss the opportunity to communicate something deeper.

To play a wrong note is insignificant; to play without passion is inexcusable.

Ludwig van Beethoven

There have been plenty of times in my life when I haven’t been able to see the forest for the trees. I would get so caught up in perfecting the details that I would miss the growth process that was happening. For example, my scores on those timed math tests didn’t really matter in the long run. I gained confidence and a sense of accomplishment from excelling in my school work, but it didn’t mean my life was perfect. Far from it. What’s more, it gave me the false sense that every problem placed in front of me would be as easy to conquer as a timed math test. This is far from the truth.

When I began to translate this perfectionism from homework to interpersonal relationships, things got messy for me internally. If I could conquer my timed math tests or reading quizzes with ease, why couldn’t I figure out how to be a “normal” kid? Why did it feel so difficult to make friends? As it turns out, there was a lot more to my social problems than I realized. It wasn’t really a question of what I was doing right or wrong. It was much more complicated than that, and most of it was beyond my control. As it turns out, being a “perfect” kid didn’t translate to being a happy kid. Doing my best work didn’t guarantee that anyone would accept me or love me for who I was. It just made me feel like something was intrinsically wrong with me, because none of my efforts seemed to make a difference.

My perfectionism when it comes to completing tasks or meeting goals has actually served me quite well. With a realistic perspective of what’s possible, I am able to deliver a certain level of excellence. But it wasn’t just tasks that I was trying to be perfect in; it was life itself. I wanted to do the right thing in every situation, no matter what. I wanted to take the moral high ground every time, just to prove a point. I wanted to be unimpeachable. It was a defense mechanism.

I experienced a lot of rejection at school. I remember deciding to throw myself headlong into my work in an effort to prove that nobody could take my achievements from me. I was going to do the best I could with the things I knew I was capable of doing. At least they wouldn’t be able to attack me on that front. It wasn’t a healthy way for me to handle my loneliness, but I didn’t understand what was happening. This was a way for me to avoid the pain of acknowledging that I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. It was my way of saying that it didn’t matter if anyone accepted me or not, because I was going to be as close to perfect as I possibly could be.

Now that I’m far removed from that situation, I’m coming to terms with the ways perfectionism has prevented me from living my best life. Experiencing many creative doubts, the desire to be perfect has kept me from stepping out and sharing what I create, be it songs, stories, or ideas. That desire to be unimpeachable rears its ugly head sometimes. Just like anything, it takes practice to move beyond it. That’s what this writing challenge is about. It’s an admission that I’m still learning. I’ll always be learning. The process will always be messy. Things won’t be perfect. And it’s good. There’s treasure in the middle of the mess. I can’t be afraid to get my hands dirty digging for it.

What my battle with perfectionism has taught me is that I don’t have to accept something just because it’s what I’ve always experienced. My natural mode of operation is to try to achieve perfection. I naturally avoid situations in which perfection is ill-defined or impossible to achieve. Just because this is what comes naturally doesn’t mean that I must behave this way every time. I have a choice in the matter. Now that I know my natural tendencies and how they prevent me from going after my dreams, I can stare perfectionism in the face and remind it that it doesn’t call the shots. This isn’t easy. My awareness of a problem isn’t enough to make it disappear. This is why we all need grace.

Day by day, as I take small steps forward, I find more and more distance from perfectionism. I find more space to enjoy life. I find more joy as I feel the pressure lift. Life is a messy process, and I want to embrace it fully.

Day 7: Ten songs that you’re loving right now

The right music has been vital during the quarantine. From day to day, as my mood fluctuates, so does my taste in music. Some days are quiet, good for prayer. Other days are a little more active. As I write this, I’m listening to a playlist of 70s songs. Sometimes I listen to Brazilian jazz and bossa nova playlists. Sometimes I listen to movie soundtracks. I’m all over the place. So here are ten songs I really love, some from recently released albums and other standbys that I’ve loved for some time. Think of this as the list of songs that define my time in lockdown. I’ll share some favorite lyrics too.

1) “No One Ever Cared for Me Like Jesus” by Steffany Gretzinger

I had to choose a track from Steffany’s new album just to highlight how much I love this album. I don’t know that I could rightly even choose a single song, but today I was feeling this one. Steffany’s new album is intimate and precious in a way that has been indispensable to me during this time. This quarantine has been a time of growing in intimacy with God, and Steffany’s album has been instrumental in that process for me.

Let my children tell their children
Let this be their memory
That all my treasure was in heaven
And You were everything to me

2) “Dancing On the Waves” by We the Kingdom

This song came into my life at the perfect time. This time of crisis has been filled with anxiety about how the shutdowns will affect my future plans. Hearing so much negativity from day to day takes its toll. And I have felt totally powerless sitting at home. As a result, I’ve spent a lot of time in prayer, and God used this song to speak to my spirit and remind me that life isn’t cancelled. God is still God, and miracles still happen.

I set every star into place
So you would remember my name
I made it all for you
You are my masterpiece
You are the reason I sing
This is my song for you

3) “Faultlines” by kalley

I listened to kalley’s solo album some time ago when she first released it. I rediscovered it during quarantine and found a goldmine. I’m so thankful for kalley’s voice not only in the Church but also in the world. She has a beautiful way of expressing the truth and the mystery surrounding it. I love “Faultlines” because it is about the tension that exists in the moments when it feels like everything is crashing down around us, all while we continue to believe that God is good and that He is with us in the middle of it. 

Every burden You take
Every doubt and mistake
You don't send the earthquake
But you heal the heartache of it all

Nothing forgotten, nothing is wasted
With You

4) “The Road, the Rocks, and the Weeds” by John Mark McMillan

I listened to this track nonstop when John Mark McMillan first released it. He is far and above my favorite songwriter, and I feel like every new album builds on the previous one. I love discovering the nuances in his lyrics upon multiple listens, and I enjoy reading about the personal stories and revelations that inspired them.

Well, I've got no answers
For heartbreaks or cancers
But a Savior who suffers them with me
Singing, goodbye Olympus
The heart of my Maker
Is spread out on the roads, the rocks, and the weeds

5) “The Trapper and the Furrier” by Regina Spektor

I love Regina, and I’ve been thinking a lot about this track during this time. It’s about the way corruption results in injustice. I always find it pretty thought provoking, especially the verses. When I’m feeling especially angsty, this song always hits the nail on the head for me.

What a strange, strange world we live in
Where the good are damned and the wicked forgiven
What a strange, strange world we live in
Those who don't have lose, Those who've got get given
More, more, more

6) “Ladies Who Lunch” by Stephen Sondheim

I spent the first part of quarantine finishing my read-through of Sondheim’s books Finishing the Hat and Look, I Made a Hat. The nice part about being home while I read the second book was being able to listen to the musicals as I was reading the lyrics. I loved learning more about his musicals, and it was perfect timing, as he just celebrated his 90th birthday. I was able to see this lovely number recreated by Christine Baranski, Meryl Streep, and Audra McDonald, which was marvelous, of course. Spending a little time with Sondheim has certainly made my quarantine better.

7) “Eu Também” by Kemuel

My boyfriend Saulo challenged me to learn some songs in Portuguese while I’m home. This has been a great challenge that has helped me grow in confidence as I continue to learn Portuguese. This song is the Portuguese version of the Hillsong song “So Will I,” which is one of my favorite worship songs. There are a lot of lyrics, and it is poetic and beautiful. As I’ve learned the Portuguese lyrics, I’ve discovered that I enjoy singing it in Portuguese almost more than English, which is fun.

8) “Joy Invincible” by Switchfoot (feat. Jenn Johnson)

I always find hope in Switchfoot songs during the most difficult times in my life. As Jenn Johnson is another of my favorite vocalists, I was delighted to see her included on this track. This song gives me the strength to hold on and reminds me that God is faithful. It’s also just fun to listen to.

Hold to what's real
Everything heals
We are the children of the promise

Hallelujah, nevertheless was the song that pain couldn't destroy 
Hallelujah, nevertheless, You're my joy invincible

9) “Sparrows and Lilies” by Pat Barrett

This was one of the first songs I turned to in quarantine to sing over this entire situation. I heard this song several months ago, and I find that it’s always relevant. It’s simple but reflects the sentiments we find in the Sermon on the Mount. Worry doesn’t get us anywhere. Things are going to get better.

I have seen the sparrow
I have watched it fly
Though she does not worry
Tell me why should I?

10) “mother tongue” by Bring Me The Horizon

I chose this song because it always reminds me of Saulo. He introduced me to this song last year, and I thought it perfectly described how we met and our relationship blossomed. There are even some Portuguese words in there, so it’s truly meant for us. On the days when I miss him more than usual, this song helps me remember how far we have already made it and keeps me focused on the future with him.

But I think we're chosen like our fates were woven
And all of those bad choices were left turns on the way