Day 11: Something you always think “What if…” about

This is a season of what-ifs. I don’t know a single person whose life and plans haven’t been affected by everything that is happening right now. This week I have been wrestling with several what-ifs of my own. Answering this prompt feels a little different right now. My life has been turned upside down in many ways. I’m sure anyone reading this can relate to that. It’s natural to play out scenarios in your head, to try to figure out how you would react in every possible outcome you can imagine. I’ve spent my fair share of time wondering what would happen if I lost a loved one or if myself or someone I love were diagnosed with a terminal illness. My imagination can lead me to a dark and painful place if I allow it. The more I think about what could go wrong, the more I start to wonder if tragedy is just around the corner. What if something terrible is coming?

I realize how futile that line of thinking is, but it usually isn’t easy to make myself stop. These scenarios playing out in my head easily lead me to despair. It’s easy to forget that anything has ever gone right when it feels like everything is going wrong. My imaginings prevent me from remembering all the times when God was faithful and everything worked out. My first line of defense against this rabbit hole of despair is thankfulness. Thankfulness reminds me of all the things that have gone right, especially the things I wasn’t powerful enough to change on my own. This fosters trust in God’s promises and His faithfulness.

My power lies in my ability to change my what-ifs by shifting my focus slightly. When I uproot my what-ifs from a place of fear and plant them in hope instead, my perspective shifts. Instead of asking questions about what will happen if I experience a loss or a disappointment, I ask questions about what good things could be around the corner, what dreams could be fulfilled. What if, instead of making my what-ifs about what could go wrong, I make them about what could go right? Losses and disappointments will come, but it doesn’t mean that the good things are gone forever.

It’s so easy to jump straight to worse-case scenarios. Our scary what-ifs lead to even scarier ones, and we follow them down that rabbit hole of despair. This is my imagination tool being used incorrectly. Just because my mind has the ability to create scenarios doesn’t mean they are realistic scenarios, and it also doesn’t mean they need to be negative scenarios. I can imagine positive things instead, if I choose. It takes practice, but each of us has the power to do it.

What if someday I will be able to have a job in a field I’m passionate about? What if I can live an amazing life with the people I love? What if I will have enough money to provide for the needs of my family and to give to others generously? What if I will create something that will help others? What if my children grow up to be amazing people who will change the world forever?

See? It can work both ways. It’s all going to be okay.

Day 10: Something you have strong feelings about

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about poverty and how we relate to it when we aren’t the ones experiencing it directly. One time I observed a group exercise in which a group of high school seniors had to decide how to disburse a certain amount of money, something like $10 trillion. I remember one of them saying, “Well, you can’t really do anything about poverty, so maybe we shouldn’t use a very big percentage of the total for that.” Poverty was not discussed again after that moment.

That certainly wasn’t the first time I had ever heard something like that. Conversely, I observe many people who talk about poverty constantly, eager to blame certain forms of government or ideology for poverty. It becomes an argument about power rather than solutions. The difficulty is that solutions aren’t simple by any stretch of the imagination. As we have seen, raising money to send to underdeveloped countries doesn’t solve problems of injustice, corruption, lack of resources, or natural disasters (among many other things) that can cause widespread poverty.

Poverty is so shameful and dehumanizing that it makes us uncomfortable just thinking about it. I have never experienced poverty, and just thinking about the situations that people are face on a daily basis unsettles me. I can’t imagine not knowing where my next meal will come from or whether I will have a place to live. Particularly in America, I notice how people will justify the poverty around them by making some assumptions about the individual. There is often an assumption that poor people want to live off the system, that they’re irresponsible or on drugs, that they’re living the consequences of their choices. In some cases, this may be true. Pity can certainly be just as useless and dehumanizing as these assumptions, so what’s the answer?

Psychologists tell us that our brains like to find the quickest path to a conclusion. That’s why stereotypes exist; our brain likes to categorize people because it’s less work. I don’t want to rely on these shortcuts as I observe the world around me. I want to view my neighbors as human beings with the potential to do good in the world. Each of us has the same potential for good and evil; a lot of people aren’t given the tools or confidence to pursue the good. This is not about removing personal responsibility. It’s about empowering people to rise up in dignity and have the ability to contribute to the well-being of themselves, their families, and the world at large.

I am challenging myself in this, to think about how best to love my neighbor. Maybe it’s not so jazzy to volunteer or work in my own community to help people. It would look cooler to go somewhere else, to travel the world doing it. And don’t get me wrong, I would love to do that too, and it’s not a bad thing. But how can I care about the person on the other side of world but not the one down the street? I think we often become ambitious about the great work we want to do, and we undervalue the people right in front of us. I believe we are to be responsible for our own communities first. Because our American culture is so focused on personal development and individual success, we have a tendency to make it about ourselves instead of about the people we claim we want to help.

I highly recommend When Helping Hurts by Brian Fikkert and Steve Corbett if you are looking for a biblical approach to poverty alleviation that values the humanity and potential of every person. This book has helped me to begin evaluating the complex reasons for poverty and how they differ from community to community and person to person. It has also helped me to identify my own pride and biases, explaining how our worldviews affect our poverty alleviation strategies. When we believe we have the solutions to all problems just because we are white, middle-class Christian Americans, what we actually have is a god complex. We believe people must simply emulate us, and this is arrogance and privilege. We must approach the poor with humility and humanity, recognizing that the best source for solutions is often found within the individuals who are living in the midst of the problems. We must help them tap into their own power and creativity; they will accomplish it better than we can as outsiders.

I recognize how complicated it is. But in my God I see a value for all humanity, with special attention reserved for the poorest of us. About half the world lives on $5.50 per day. These are our neighbors. Imagine what these people are capable of. They can often only focus on their most basic needs because it’s a matter of survival. If they were able to pursue higher goals, imagine what they could do. We must value and recognize their humanity, regardless of their race or background or socio-economic standing. It should matter to us that they are prevented from reaching their God-given potential because they lack their most basic needs.

Day 8: Something you struggle with

As the title and description of this blog reflect, my greatest challenge is perfectionism. I was a highly capable child. I learned to read before I started Kindergarten, and the basic concepts we learned in elementary school came easy to me. Things became more difficult as I got older, but for a long time I was able to reach a certain level of perfection with my work. Timed math tests, for example. I was generally able to finish them with plenty of time left. And I usually scored close to 100%. Even as I approached high school, because I was offered extra credit on some assignments and tests, I was able to achieve percentages higher than 100% in certain classes. With the right amount of preparation and focus, perfection felt attainable.

As I got older, I recognized that the concept of perfection is more complicated than percentages and grades on report cards. Everyone makes mistakes. Often you don’t know what you don’t know, and learning requires making mistakes. Learning requires not being good at something the first time you do it. Oddly enough, the activity I always loved most was playing piano. It takes a long time and many mistakes to learn to play piano well. Being a perfectionist gave me the drive to play things correctly and to follow all the advice my teachers gave me. But being a perfectionist also prevented me from really listening to what I was playing. When I was in college and graduate school, I realized that I was over-concentrating on getting everything right, which prevented me from hearing how I actually sounded. In terms of playing all the correct notes, perfection was impossible. I already knew that. But it took a long time for me to learn that you can play all the notes correctly and still miss the opportunity to communicate something deeper.

To play a wrong note is insignificant; to play without passion is inexcusable.
Ludwig van Beethoven

There have been plenty of times in my life when I haven’t been able to see the forest for the trees. I would get so caught up in perfecting the details that I would miss the growth process that was happening. For example, my scores on those timed math tests didn’t really matter in the long run. I gained confidence and a sense of accomplishment from excelling in my school work, but it didn’t mean my life was perfect. Far from it. What’s more, it gave me the false sense that every problem placed in front of me would be as easy to conquer as a timed math test. This is far from the truth.

When I began to translate this perfectionism from homework to interpersonal relationships, things got messy for me internally. If I could conquer my timed math tests or reading quizzes with ease, why couldn’t I figure out how to be a “normal” kid? Why did it feel so difficult to make friends? As it turns out, there was a lot more to my social problems than I realized. It wasn’t really a question of what I was doing right or wrong. It was much more complicated than that, and most of it was beyond my control. As it turns out, being a “perfect” kid didn’t translate to being a happy kid. Doing my best work didn’t guarantee that anyone would accept me or love me for who I was. It just made me feel like something was intrinsically wrong with me, because none of my efforts seemed to make a difference.

My perfectionism when it comes to completing tasks or meeting goals has actually served me quite well. With a realistic perspective of what’s possible, I am able to deliver a certain level of excellence. But it wasn’t just tasks that I was trying to be perfect in; it was life itself. I wanted to do the right thing in every situation, no matter what. I wanted to take the moral high ground every time, just to prove a point. I wanted to be unimpeachable. It was a defense mechanism.

I experienced a lot of rejection at school. I remember deciding to throw myself headlong into my work in an effort to prove that nobody could take my achievements from me. I was going to do the best I could with the things I knew I was capable of doing. At least they wouldn’t be able to attack me on that front. It wasn’t a healthy way for me to handle my loneliness, but I didn’t understand what was happening. This was a way for me to avoid the pain of acknowledging that I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. It was my way of saying that it didn’t matter if anyone accepted me or not, because I was going to be as close to perfect as I possibly could be.

Now that I’m far removed from that situation, I’m coming to terms with the ways perfectionism has prevented me from living my best life. Experiencing many creative doubts, the desire to be perfect has kept me from stepping out and sharing what I create, be it songs, stories, or ideas. That desire to be unimpeachable rears its ugly head sometimes. Just like anything, it takes practice to move beyond it. That’s what this writing challenge is about. It’s an admission that I’m still learning. I’ll always be learning. The process will always be messy. Things won’t be perfect. And it’s good. There’s treasure in the middle of the mess. I can’t be afraid to get my hands dirty digging for it.

What my battle with perfectionism has taught me is that I don’t have to accept something just because it’s what I’ve always experienced. My natural mode of operation is to try to achieve perfection. I naturally avoid situations in which perfection is ill-defined or impossible to achieve. Just because this is what comes naturally doesn’t mean that I must behave this way every time. I have a choice in the matter. Now that I know my natural tendencies and how they prevent me from going after my dreams, I can stare perfectionism in the face and remind it that it doesn’t call the shots. This isn’t easy. My awareness of a problem isn’t enough to make it disappear. This is why we all need grace.

Day by day, as I take small steps forward, I find more and more distance from perfectionism. I find more space to enjoy life. I find more joy as I feel the pressure lift. Life is a messy process, and I want to embrace it fully.

Day 6: Five ways to win your heart

This list was inspired by my boyfriend Saulo, who won my heart about five days after I met him. These qualities can also be found in abundance in my friends. My primary love language is quality time, which should be apparent in this list of qualities that will win me over.

1) Authenticity

Having grown up in a small town, I am accustomed to people hiding who they really are. It was a constant cycle where I grew up. People would lie and cheat, then turn around and be able to hide what they had done and stay in good favor with those around them. While there were a lot of reprehensible things going on all the time, nobody ever talked about it. Nobody ever confronted it. It was just a game of who could pretend the best, with a healthy dose of gossip and backbiting for those who became the target of scrutiny.

Because of my background, I sometimes find it difficult to trust people. I seek friends who are genuine and authentic. I love people who don’t have to project some jazzed-up image of themselves. I believe these people can see their own value and don’t feel the need to be a certain type of person in order to be accepted or admired. I often have raw conversations about personal doubts and failures with my closest friends, and I always find that we become closer when we share these difficult moments with each other. We know each other’s flaws and shortcomings inside and out, but we love each other anyway.

2) Nerdiness

I believe that the most interesting people are those who are interested in things. We live in a society in which it’s easy to be endlessly entertained without developing any curiosity or desire to learn and grow into something. The most valuable thing I ever learned to do is play the piano, not because I’m trying to make money or become famous, but because it taught me how much investment it takes to develop a passion for something into a real skill. Not everyone understands that. If it’s not for money or fame, why would I do it?

I love to learn more about the things others are interested in. I have a lot of fun with my friends doing this, especially when we are interested in the same thing. For instance, a couple of my closest friends are really into musical theatre (as am I), and we have so much fun raving about musicals we love or actors we think are amazing. As we learn more and experience more, we share what we discover with one another, and this is a special part of our friendship.

3) Dates

This is in reference not only to romantic dates but also to general outings with friends. Brunch with the girls. A ride in the convertible with Dad. A shopping day with Mom. A romantic dinner with Saulo. I love all of it. As I mentioned in the introduction, my love language is quality time. So it means a lot to me to set aside a special time just to be together.

I am also the sort of person who seeks out new experiences. Even if a date doesn’t turn out to be exactly what we expected, we get a story out of it. We have an experience, even if it’s a disappointing one. It’s what life is made of. Life is a series of experiences. While I was in Brazil in August, Saulo and I went to the circus. We had a lot of fun! What we didn’t realize at the beginning was that it was Kids Night at the circus. About halfway through the program, the acts switched over to Disney characters performing their songs and a group of sharks singing and dancing to Baby Shark. We thought the “real circus” would come back, but it never did. We only realized once everyone started to leave. We went out for sushi and had a good laugh in spite of ourselves. Even though the date didn’t turn out the way we wanted, I still loved that night because that story belongs to Saulo and me now. Hopefully we can go to the circus again and get the real deal someday!

4) Kindness

Kind people are really the best, right? I think kind people understand the world a little better. They are humble, understanding how easy it is for anyone to fail or struggle (including themselves). They have compassion on others and want what’s best for others. Truly kind people are rare. When I meet someone who has genuine compassion for others and who gives selflessly, I want to be close to them. I want to emulate them. If I have one hope for myself in this life, it’s that I would grow in kindness and love towards others. Kindness is one of the first qualities I noticed in Saulo, and I’m so thankful to have close friends who also demonstrate kindness in the way they step out to help others.

5) Fun

I am a passionate person, and I care deeply about a lot of things. But it is difficult for me to spend a lot of time with people who are serious all the time. For me, one of the most important qualities that a friend or partner can have is a good sense of humor. If you make me laugh, you’ve got me. Even if we don’t have a lot in common, I’ll probably still enjoy spending time with you because you’re fun. My best friends are my best friends because we can always have fun together, even when life is difficult. We are always making jokes and sending memes and funny videos to each other.

Our culture has a tendency to value offense and seriousness as a way to prove our level of enlightenment and ideological rightness compared to others. Because of this, I believe we have lost the value of joy and fun, even when it’s just silliness. I’m thankful for friends and family who bring so much joy to my life because I truly love to laugh. This was another quality of Saulo’s that won my heart so quickly. I think it was day 3 of knowing him that I thought to myself, “Wow, he’s really funny. I think I have a crush on him.”

Day 5: Five places you want to visit

Once upon a time, two of my best friends and I decided to plan a trip together. As our list of potential destinations grew longer and longer, my friend Reggie made an apt observation: “Maybe it would be easier if we listed the places you didn’t want to go. That list would be much shorter.” And Reggie was right. So I decided to pick one place from every continent (aside from North America, sorry) that I would love to visit someday. I’ll tell you right now that I cheated–I couldn’t really just pick one place (and I couldn’t completely ignore North America either). It’s worth mentioning that I’m going to be listing mostly major cities, but I love visiting small towns that I’ve never heard of before.

1) Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

I’ve been to Brazil three times now, and I’m looking forward to spending lots of time there over the course of my lifetime. It’s a dream for my boyfriend and I to visit Rio together someday! I’ve spent all my time in Brazil in the Northeast so far, which has been wonderful. I love the people, the food, and the beaches. Natal already felt like a second home to me, but now it really is a second home for me, as this is where my boyfriend is from. But I would love to see other regions of Brazil and try out some new food and learn about other regional Brazilian cultures. Rio is so colorful and full of life. I would love to see Copacabana and Christ the Redeemer in person. And I would love to learn to samba!

South America honorable mentions: Buenos Aires, Argentina; the Bolivian salt flats; Chile; Machu Picchu; Cuenca, Ecuador; Colombia

2) Cape Town, South Africa

Cape Town is gorgeous, and I’ve heard great things about it. Every time I see photos of Cape Town, I wonder when I’ll get there. I just feel this sense of excitement and adventure. I have heard amazing stories from other people’s travels to South Africa. It just feels like I’m place I’m destined to be someday. My boyfriend and I discuss South Africa often, and we are both really excited about the possibility of visiting (or living??) there someday. I would also like to explore the rest of South Africa and would especially love the opportunity to observe the wildlife. I’ve never visited the continent of Africa before, and I can’t wait to experience it. I know my list of potential destinations will only grow.

Africa honorable mentions: Giza, Egypt; Lagos, Nigeria; Nairobi, Kenya; Ethiopia; Casablanca, Morocco

3) Paris, France

Europe is tricky, because I really want to go everywhere. This answer might seem a little basic, but I can’t make a choice in the Europe category without feeling like I’m betraying someone. To be honest, most of the reason I want to go to France comes down to food and wine. One of my favorite things is sitting in a European cafe with nowhere to go. Just sitting and watching people walk by. Drinking some coffee and eating a pastry. I just keep thinking about baguettes and cheese and wine, and I want to be there, stopping for a snack after looking at some art or walking through a cathedral. It sounds so pure and wonderful. It makes me want to write poetry.

Europe honorable mentions: Vienna, Austria; Edinburgh, Scotland; Italy; Spain; Ireland; Prague and Český Krumlov, Czech Republic; St. Petersburg and Moscow, Russia; Budapest, Hungary; the Alps; Romania; Germany; Norway; Dubrovnik, Croatia; Sarajevo, Bosnia-Herzegovina; etc., etc., etc.

4) Tokyo, Japan

Asia is a huge continent, and it is full of places I want to visit. I picked Tokyo because I’ve recently had this strong desire to go to Japan. I think Japanese culture is so special and unique. The food is delicious, and I would love to experience it in its cultural context. I want to learn more about Japanese art and history. They have such a rich culture. I’m also curious to see Tokyo (as I am to see many Asian cities) because the American experience is so different in terms of big cities. The Japanese countryside is also gorgeous, and I would love to venture outside the city. Essentially, Japan is racing to the top of my list of destinations.

Asia honorable mentions: China; Hong Kong; Taiwan; Seoul, South Korea; Thailand; Vietnam; India; Singapore; Dubai, UAE; the Himalayas; Israel

5) Australia

Australia gets its own special category. I have wanted to go to Australia since childhood. One of my favorite movies was The Rescuers Down Under, and I was even practicing my Aussie accent in the early years. My friends can testify that I was a huge fan of an Australian television series called Rush when I was in college, which revived my love for Australia. My first choice of destinations (because of aforementioned series) is Melbourne, which is a cultural center of the world. I would also love to visit Sydney and Perth and many other places in Australia. I’m absolutely terrified of the Outback but simultaneously so fascinated by it. I simply must visit Australia at some point.

Honorable mention: New Zealand. I know it’s not part of Australia, but it’s also on my list of places to go someday. And it’s just so close to Australia that I would want to just stop by and say hello.

Bonus: Mexico City, Mexico

This is my blog, so I’m going to make my own choices and just include this one right here. I don’t feel right not including Mexico City on my list, given all the amazing things I’ve heard about it. I love Mexican culture and food, and Mexico City is so full of history and gorgeous architecture. I can’t wait to go!

Day 4: Someone who inspires you

Daily inspiration over the course of many years amounts to influence. I am blessed to have been influenced by many amazing people. I can think of a long list of people, most of whom I know personally, who have inspired me in countless ways. They have helped me to become who I am today. My friends have inspired me to stay curious, to have fun, to be myself. I hold my friends in such high esteem because I see them do incredible things all the time. My friends are bold. They’re creative. They’re kind. I’m thinking of several people in my life who fit in this category, and I’m truly blessed to know all of them. I’m thankful to have so many amazing people on the journey with me.

Try as I might, I couldn’t choose one single person for this post. I could keep going on and on about each of my friends, but I want to highlight three people in particular who inspire me every single day. First, my parents.

As you get older, you gain a lot of context on your parents. I’ve always been really close to mine. I’m thankful every single day for their influence in my life. It can’t be overstated. They were the first people who inspired me to love learning. They are both problem solvers. They look for the best way to do everything, and they look for ways to improve themselves constantly. They don’t settle. I’ve never seen my parents as people who will get to a certain point and just rest on their laurels. They can’t do it–staying the same would make them crazy.

When I was young, I was quite rigid. As I mentioned in my Day 2 post, I never forgot anything. From day to day I remembered my routine and I would freak out if that routine changed even slightly. For some reason, I felt like everything had to happen the exact same way every day. And I remember my parents sat me down and talked to me about how to accept change. Even though I was only about 6 or 7 years old, they had a serious conversation with me about the nature of life. They were like this with everything. It’s like they trusted me enough to tell me the truth. But they always managed to tell the truth in a way that made me feel loved and believed in.

I don’t know if I could ever properly express to them how important they are. As I stumble through this first decade of adulthood, I have started asking them questions about this stage in their lives. Every day I’m a little more thankful for their insight. They’ve inspired me to have a healthy marriage. They’ve inspired me to raise children the way they raised me. They’ve inspired me to walk in wisdom but to be willing to take risks in order to go after the calling God has placed on their lives. I can see them reflected in the decisions I make, and I’m so thankful for their influence.

A post on people who inspire me wouldn’t be complete without highlighting my boyfriend Saulo. I met him a little over a year ago, and he has totally changed my life. He is an artist who creates wonderful illustrations and animations. I love his imagination and his enthusiasm for what he does. He wants to use his creativity to help people, and this is exactly what he does. His willingness to share his work, to share himself even when he’s still in process, is something that has inspired me endlessly over the past year.

Being a perfectionist, I’ve generally hesitated to share anything with others while I’m still in process. I want whatever I share to be as close to perfect as possible. Of course, there’s always room for improvement. So ultimately, because there’s always further to travel on the pathway to perfection, I don’t share what I create. But Saulo has changed everything for me. He’s taught me so much about what it means to share my creativity and myself with others. From the beginning, he surprised me with his openness and his vulnerability. He’s truly one of the strongest people I know.

I won’t pretend that who I am is a result of my efforts alone. It’s not. I’m surrounded by world changers. I just want them to know that, even if they’re not sure if they’ve made a difference, they make my world a better place every day.

Day 3: Top 3 pet peeves

Definition of pet peeve: a frequent subject of complaint

1) Tailgating

No, not the party you have in the parking lot before the football game. Go wild with that–you do you.

I absolutely cannot stand it when people follow super close on the highway and try to push. Generally I’m the type of person who doesn’t drive really slow and tries to go with the flow of traffic. But I will start raging if somebody is driving close behind me, especially at night. I will be the first to admit that I’m prejudiced against certain vehicles when I see them approaching in my rearview mirror. Sometimes it’s other types of vehicles, but regardless, I usually see the crazies coming.

The mailman who (normally) delivers mail to my workplace always talks to me about the traffic and the crazy people who tailgate him on his morning commute. We live in neighboring suburbs, so the commiseration has been a nice point of bonding for us.

2) People who are rude on the phone

I’m currently working as a receptionist, and it is so astonishing to me how rude people can be from the start on a phone call. I’m not sitting there making sales calls and bothering people while they’re eating dinner or anything like that. I’m just available to direct callers to other people who can answer their questions. The worst are always those people who call within the first five minutes of the work day. You know they’ve been sitting and waiting; they are always pretty demanding. One time, I answered the phone and the caller responded by immediately yelling “I CAN’T HEAR A WORD YOU’RE SAYING,” and I remember wanting to answer by saying, “I just picked up the phone–isn’t it all a variation on the same greeting? If you had to guess, what would you think I had said?”

I find it pretty fascinating how rude people can be without even thinking about it. What’s more, this current crisis we find ourselves in, while bringing out the best in some people, has definitely brought out the worst in others. I had a couple days early in the shutdown when two people yelled at me about how people were going to die because I wouldn’t do something for them that wasn’t part of my job at all. They both asked me for something impossible and then got angry enough when I wouldn’t do it that they accused me of being the reason more people would die.

And look at me complaining about people being rude on the phone. I used to work at Starbucks. I couldn’t handle it.

3) When people ask a question that requires a long answer at the end of a meeting

I hate meetings. I am a person who believes that the vast majority of meetings can be emails. However, I will be a good sport and show up to a meeting, maybe even participate a little more than the bare minimum if I’m feeling extra sparkly that day. But let me assure you of one thing:

I’m watching that clock.

It might seem odd that I would want to go back to work instead of sitting in a room doing nothing. I can’t entirely explain it, but that’s how it is. And there’s nothing worse than sitting there uninterested in or uninformed about whatever is being discussed, waiting for the meeting to end in order to be able to leave and use the restroom, and then someone asks a question that is going to take at least five minutes to discuss. This is agony. One time I had a meeting that went nearly twenty minutes over because of a question like this.

In those moments, I’ll always think back to earlier moments in the meeting when there was awkward silence and no one was talking. Like my life flashing before my eyes, I’ll think about all the opportunities this person had to bring this up earlier. But no, they chose to bring it up as the meeting is ending. Extra time post-meeting moves even slower than regular time. I’m fully convinced.

Day 2: Something someone told you about yourself that you never forgot

I forget most things almost immediately after I hear them. This was a big problem when I worked at Starbucks and had to ask people multiple times for their orders and/or their names (I wish I was kidding!). When I was a kid, I never forgot anything. I mean never. This worked to my advantage in a lot of ways but was a severe disadvantage in others. On the one hand, I memorized things with incredible speed and longevity. However, I also remembered everything everyone ever said to me. And I would recall these memories over and over again during my childhood.

There’s a saying about how you often don’t remember what people say to you but you always remember how they made you feel. As I got older, I had to teach myself to stop remembering every single thing every person had ever said to me. My memories whittled down to a few bad experiences that I never forgot. I’m sure everyone has stories like this. Those times when someone called you fat or stupid or ugly or weird. The shame I felt in those moments was something I couldn’t forget.

I used to dwell on those memories a lot. In college I actually felt really nervous that my professors and friends would discover the true me at some point. They would figure out that I wasn’t really as smart or nice as they thought I was. I spent a lot of time afraid that something was secretly wrong with me, something that I wouldn’t be able to detect or fix, something that would keep people away from me forever, something that would close all the doors to my future.

As it turned out, that moment where everyone left me never came. My mentors and friends continued to love me and spend time with me, even when they saw my imperfections. They didn’t judge me, and they helped me in working through my weaknesses and insecurities.

Only within the last few years have I started to understand my choice in the matter. I get to choose how I remember what has happened. I could choose to believe the people who told me I was fat and weird and not creative, or I can choose to believe the people who saw potential in me and helped me on the journey. It was never about needing to believe that I’m perfect exactly as I am. Because I’m not (and as a natural perfectionist, I’m always aware of this). But I don’t have to be.

What’s more, I now know that I can’t depend on other people to tell me who I am. Even when what they have to say is positive. I can’t help but think of Max Lucado’s You are Special, which was a formative story in my early years. A story that I didn’t really understand until recently.

If you aren’t familiar, the setting is a world in which wooden people award and punish each other with gold star and grey dot stickers. Some people are the winners, totally covered in gold stars; others are the outcasts, continually showered with ridicule and grey dots. What the reader discovers by the end is that the wooden people don’t have to let either of the stickers stick on them. In fact, the only way for them to be truly free is to understand that the dots and stars (the opinions of others) don’t really matter.

The wooden person in the story who lets all the stickers fall off–she spends a little time every day with the One who created her. He tells her about how He made her, and she finds that the praise and criticism of others means little when she knows the Maker’s heart. I’m thankful that the voice of the Maker can come through in the voices of my friends, family, and mentors. And I hope my voice can echo His in the lives of others too.

When I thought about an answer to this prompt, the first things I remembered were the bad things. The hurtful things that people have said to me over the years. I could remember a few of them, maybe about 6 at most. But then I started thinking about the positive things. I started thinking about all the ways my friends and professors have built me up and helped me. That list far outweighed the first one in the end.

One of my college professors told another of her students that she thought I would be president one day. I don’t have political aspirations, but it was a vote of confidence that meant a lot to me during my first year of college. Other professors asked my opinion about things, valued what I had to say, told me they were thankful to have me in class, told me they were inspired by my work. My friends told me I was beautiful inside and out and that I was interesting and nice and fun to be around. They used their words to build me up and have also helped me to see my shortcomings and learn how to be better.

So I guess maybe I don’t forget as many things as I think I do. When I go to the Source, finding my identity in the God who formed and created me, it turns out I can recognize His voice when it comes from Him and through others as well. And then when I think about the cruel things others have said, they just don’t fit. They don’t need to be part of the narrative anymore.

Day 1: List 10 things that make you really happy

In no particular order. Not an extensive list.

1) Live theatre

There is just something so electric about the entire experience. Before the show starts, there’s always this buzz in the air, and I love seeing the way the actors and the musicians and the designers and everyone else have all come together to make something totally unique. My parents took me to see Peter Pan when I was little, then Beauty and the Beast. It was something I really enjoyed from the start, but seeing Wicked totally changed my life my senior year of high school. I must have listened to/belted out that soundtrack 1000 times. Having had the opportunity to participate a few times as well, I’m looking forward to finding even more theatre experiences to be part of.

2) Giggle fits

I absolutely love moments when you just can’t hold it together. Usually it’s something totally goofy that is only uproariously funny in the moment but the moment is just so overwhelming that you can’t help but totally lose it. These moments are lighter than air.

3) Art museums

One of the most calming things I can do is go to an art museum. I have a curious mind, and I love seeing things I’ve never seen before. I love the feeling of standing in front of a painting or a sculpture and just letting my eyes slowly take in every detail. I don’t even know that much about art. Something about the experience just quiets my mind in a way few other things do. It’s even more special when I find a piece that sticks with me after I walk away, the type of piece I’ll try to see once or twice more before I leave the museum.

4) When friends reach major life milestones

There is something so special about watching your best friends in the whole world experience the joy and exhilaration that comes from reaching major life milestones. Welcoming a new spouse into the crew, meeting a new baby, reaching a career milestone, or finding their calling–these moments are so special when they’re shared with close friends. You know the road they’ve walked to get there, and seeing them get there is so wonderful.

5) A night at the orchestra

I love the music, but I think this is more about the idea and the feeling of spending a night at the orchestra more than anything else. Getting dressed up for a night of beautiful music gives me some of the same feelings as going to see a musical. Where a musical captures my attention and my excitement, the orchestra ignites my imagination. I love watching the different instruments, seeing how the conductor guides them. I like recognizing themes and motifs as they appear in all their forms. It’s something that smooths over the sharp edges of my mind, and I often find clarity in the orchestra hall.

6) Brazilian food

There’s a reason for the photo of the coxinha at the top, okay? I love Brazilian food. When I first visited Brazil in 2014, I was totally shocked at how much I loved the food. Coxinhas are a personal favorite. There’s (generally) chicken (and sometimes cheese) on the inside (though Brazilians love to customize–last time I was there I had a crab coxinha), surrounded by dough and fried. You get the crunchy outside with the soft inside, along with plenty of flavor. I love it. And that’s just one example. It took some effort to keep this list from becoming a list of 10 Brazilian foods that make me happy.

7) Hammocks

In keeping with the Brazilian theme, I really love hammocks. I finally bought one (in Brazil) in April of last year, and my parents bought a hammock stand so I can now use it. It’s marvelous. I love reading and napping outside, and this hammock is helping me make the most of all this time at home.

8) Baking cookies

I love baking in general and I love baking cookies in particular. I don’t know what it is about a batch of chocolate chip cookies that calms all my anxiety; but as long as it works for me, I’m going to keep doing it. I’ve made many variations on the basic chocolate chip cookie over the years, and it’s always fun to experiment a little. And obviously the cookie dough is one of the best parts of this experience.

9) Gorgeous scenery

Listen. Standing in front of the ocean, a mountain range, a canyon, a crater lake–these things take my breath away. Some of the most profound moments of my life have happened when I stand in front of something amazing. In these moments of wonder I’m totally present. I’m there. I can feel my mind stop with the constant thinking and planning, as a true sense of peace and quiet settles in. My favorite thing to do in those moments is to pray and listen.

10) Longstanding inside jokes with friends

This is one of my absolute favorite things. I especially love getting on the phone with college friends and laughing over things that happened years ago that no one else would understand. The sillier the better. I love when you can’t even remember the origin of the joke or the first time someone made it. You just know it’s a trademark of this one specific friendship, and it’s something you don’t have to share with anybody else. Just that specific friend.

30 Day Writing Challenge!

Have you ever had your flight delayed and found yourself waiting in the airport for several hours, slightly worried that your delayed flight will become a further delayed flight or even a cancelled flight? I have.

And let me tell you, this season of life is a lot like that.

It feels like everything has been delayed. Will things be delayed even longer? When will life go back to some form of normal? I don’t know. I’m finally becoming more satisfied with the fact that I don’t know. When people ask me questions about my 2020 plans, I feel free to answer “I don’t know,” without a shot of anxiety to my heart. It’s taken a lot of prayer to get me to that place.

The temptation to predict is real. That sense of control you get when you say, “The shutdown will last three months/six months/two years,” ad infinitum. As kalley (one of my favorite songwriters) says on her solo album Faultlines, “Control is not peace.” So, for now, instead of the illusion of control, I’ve opted for trust. And for following where God leads in the meantime.

So this might all seem a little unrelated, but I decided to do a 30 day writing challenge. Those times when I’ve been sitting in airports, uncertain of when I’ll be able to go to my next destination, are often made easier when I sit down and breathe for a few minutes, get out my journal, and pray. This writing challenge gives me something to accomplish every single day and the opportunity to share and interact in a new way. This is a brand new adventure for me, and I can’t wait to see where 30 days takes me. After searching, I found this plan, which I will be following with grace for myself if I miss a day or two.

You are more than welcome to share in this journey with me! I hope we can find deeper connections to our friends and family, ourselves, and God during this time. We may even be able to look back and say that a lockdown was exactly what we needed. This time need not be wasted. Let’s see what beauty can come of it.