Day 21: Three lessons you want your children to learn from you

In times like these, many are pondering the lessons they are teaching their children. What are we teaching them to value? Are we teaching them to fight injustice and stand with those who are being oppressed? When I start to think of all the things I hope my children will learn from me, the list grows quickly. I’m thankful that I had great models in my parents. They often mentor young parents and have even taught parenting classes, so I know I have some pretty wonderful people in my corner. Obviously, perfect parents do not exist, as perfect people do not exist. But I’m thankful I already have so many great tools and ideas for how to raise my future children well.

Before I get into specifics, I want to mention that my first goal is to give my children a solid foundation in the truth and their identity as children of God. I was raised with this, and it has given me a priceless stability through difficult times. My faith in God is the source of my entire value system. I have had my moments of doubt and uncertainty just like anyone has. But I was given such a solid foundation that I always had something to hold onto. Knowing to pray in times of crisis and difficulty has given me peace and wisdom while I’m still waiting for answers. I want to provide the same solid foundation of faith for my children.

1) Humility

I was a bright kid, I was competitive, and I didn’t like being wrong. My parents knew this better than anyone. They taught me how to embrace the learning process. They explained to me that the most important thing I could get out of school and out of life was learning how to learn. The ability to grow, change, and improve is probably the most valuable skill I have. When you’re convinced you have all the answers, nobody has anything to offer you. The world is an empty and boring place because you already know everything.

I hope my children find joy in learning and don’t let pride get in the way of the learning process. As I continue to mature, I am discovering how tricky pride can be; it doesn’t often appear in the ways we expect. It’s easy to miss the way your own ego can get in the way of what you’re trying to accomplish in life. It can hinder your relationship with others and with God. I want to teach my kids to be lifelong learners who are focused more on lifting others up rather than putting themselves above others. I want them not to be afraid of failure or their own flaws, but rather to focus on doing the work required to grow and become all they’re meant to be.

2) Responsibility

This is multi-faceted, and I’ll do my best to explain what I mean. One of the most important things my parents taught me was to take ownership of my own problems. This isn’t just about being a responsible person, though I want to teach my children that as well. I want them to be faithful when they’ve committed to things and always bring their best. They don’t need to be high-achieving by any one person’s definition, but I want them to be able to take on challenges, own them, and complete them with excellence.

However, there is more to it than that, as productivity isn’t the only valuable goal in life. I also want my children to take responsibility for themselves, their own choices, emotions, and mistakes. It’s easy to have a victim mindset in this life. It’s easy, when life knocks you down (as it inevitably will), to lament your current state of affairs and do nothing to change it. It’s not wrong to feel sad or angry about what happens. I want my children to be able to feel and own their emotions too. But they need to recognize what they do have control over, which is their response to whatever happens to them.

In addition, I want my children to feel a sense of responsibility for their own community. I want them to take ownership and work to make their environment a better place. One of the clearest commands Jesus gave us was “Love your neighbor as yourself.” This means paying attention, particularly to what is happening within one’s own realm of influence.

3) Compassion

I love those people who make the world better everywhere they go. They don’t have to be the smartest in the room or the most talented. They’re the people who are kind and thoughtful, those who simply care about people and want to make a difference. It’s what I struggle to do; it’s something I spend a lot of time thinking about. How can I do more? How can I be better? I want to instill in my children the quality of looking out for others and finding ways to bless people however they can, even in small ways.

Right now I’m seeing one of the largest outpourings of compassion towards others that I’ve ever seen. In the middle of great strife and division, I’ve seen many people rise to the occasion and create a better world for all our children. I hope to see this concern extend itself into our lives from now on, not just in the midst of tragedy and difficulty. I want to teach my children to care about others. No matter their personality types, professions, vocations, or interests, I hope they choose kindness.

Day 19: Your first love

I thought I knew what love was before I met Saulo. In truth, I knew what it meant to have a strong infatuation with someone, but I didn’t know what being in love was. Even after I met him and we “fell in love,” I still didn’t know. Now that a year has passed and we have been through so much together, I see how deep and wonderful and marvelous love can be, as it shows up in so many different ways in the everyday comings and goings of our lives. This is just a glimpse of our story.

I had had a long series of disappointments. Just when I thought things were starting to look up and maybe I wouldn’t be rejected again, I would be rejected again. I went through a process of learning how God was guiding me through that season, but I also felt jaded and hopeless about the future. I thought it would happen for me eventually, but by that time I had stopped caring. I started casually seeing someone I met through work, someone I had no business being with and whom I wasn’t serious about. That’s when I left on my missions trip to Brazil, with absolutely no idea what was about to happen.

It’s worth mentioning briefly that someone came up to me at church the week before I left and told me that “something I had been waiting for for a long time is coming, and it’s better than I ever imagined it could be.” I wrote it off like, okay cool, but in God’s timing I don’t really know if “soon” means the same thing to Him as it does to me.

I sat across from Saulo at lunch on our first day. We had been ministering at local schools in the morning, and I discovered that he was from the same city I lived in almost five years before. Unfortunately, at that same lunch, Saulo found out that I was seeing someone, which (he told me later) made him pretty disappointed. As the week continued, I started to realize, thanks to some encouragement from my team leader, that I needed to break things off with the guy I was seeing. I realized that I had no business doing what I was doing and that I had allowed my disappointment about other things to cloud my judgment.

By the third day of the trip, I was texting my friends saying, “I have a problem. I have a really big crush on one of the Brazilians.” He was so funny and sweet. He was taking photos for the ministry we were working with, but every once in a while I saw him praying with some of the students. He even helped translate for me at times (and I always secretly hoped he would). We had some really special moments ministering together before we ever got together. I just found myself wanting to be close to him. It was different than anything I felt before. It’s difficult to describe.

The fourth night of the trip was the first night of revival meetings for the town we were in. I was having an extremely difficult day. I was experiencing doubts about my contributions to our team, my relationship with God, my purpose in life–everything you could imagine. I spent some time with God praying and working through things. And I felt a sense of breakthrough. I felt I had been realigned with my purpose and my calling. I remembered everything God had told me in the years prior; He reminded me of the big moments of revelation and realignment in other seasons. That night my feelings for Saulo intensified. I found myself envisioning our life together without even trying. I wrote it off. Missions trip crush, you know? Emotions running high.

On the fifth day of the trip, my whole life changed forever. During the day, my own feelings for him were overwhelming. I kept telling myself that this was God showing me that I have a hopeful future and that I just have to focus on Him. But I was trying to decide whether I should tell Saulo how I feel before I left a few days later. During our revival meeting that night, I was walking through the crowd and looked back to the stage. It was like a movie. There was Saulo, just standing there looking at me. We held each other’s gaze for what felt like at least 30 seconds, and God spoke something to me in that moment that I will never forget, something that connected back to a word He had spoken to me after one of my worst heartbreaks. I turned around and thought, “No, no. There’s no way. Things like that don’t happen.” Later that night, Saulo and I had the opportunity to be alone, and the first thing he asked me was, “So… who are you?”

We started talking about our families, sharing about our journeys. The conversation got deeper until there was a moment of silence. Then Saulo said, “So am I crazy or… is something happening here?” We started to discuss our feelings for each other. We talked about how a long-distance relationship would look, how much work it would be. And neither one of us hesitated. I said, “Life is short. I think we should go for it. When does something like this ever happen?” I used to say I would never date someone from another country because it would be too painful. If I ever chose that path, it would have to be worth it.

I can say without hesitation that it has been entirely worth it. The two times I’ve now had to leave Saulo behind in Brazil to come back to the US have been two of the most painful days of my life. Sometimes being away from him is so difficult that I feel like I can’t take it. But in the middle of it, our hearts have grown closer not only to each other but to God. We have to trust Him with every step, especially now. This is only a small portion of the whole story. There were so many things that made it entirely clear that God led me back to Brazil for this.

If I can say one thing about our story, it’s that impossible things are not out of reach because God is a God of miracles. I never believed I would find someone who I could connect with on this level: someone who understands that love is a choice; someone who understands that love is about sacrifice; someone who challenges me and encourages me to step into my own purpose; someone who wants to use his own gifts to help others. Over the past year and into our current season, I’m seeing how God’s ways are higher than ours. As I had begged God for things that weren’t meant for me, all the while He had patiently said, “Wait. I’ve got something better for you.”

I stood on a beach in Brazil in 2014, just outside Saulo’s hometown, and asked God for answers. My heart was discouraged and weighed down by disappointment. I felt the pain of not knowing what the future would hold. God spoke to my heart and said, “Trust Me. I have a plan. Everything is going to happen at the right time.” And He must have been smiling. Because he knew Saulo was right there, just down the road, and both of us were just waiting for our moment.

Day 18: Thirty facts about yourself

I am adopted (and blessed!).
I have been playing piano since age 4.
I’ve also been reading since age 4 (it was a big year for me, see below).
When I was 4, I choked on a peppermint at a restaurant and then had to get my tonsils removed.
My parents took me to Disney World for the first time after my surgery. We went twice more, when I was 10 and 16.
I have tried to learn how to ski 3 separate times, and I’m too scared to do it (I never made it past the bunny hill).
My church held revival meetings for quite some time while I was a kid, so I spent most nights on the church floor coloring and listening to sermons.
As a kid, I had an imaginary friend who was a mouse named Deef.
I went to basketball camp for a couple years during elementary school and played on my school’s team until high school.
I won a spelling bee in 4th grade and moved on to the next level, only to get out a few rounds in on the word “injury” because I accidentally said G instead of J (and you can’t change a letter once you’ve said it).
My favorite childhood book was Where the Wild Things Are.
I once played a rat in a Prairie Fire Children’s Theatre production of Cinderella.
I have played every game in the Nancy Drew video game series by Her Interactive.
The first time I ever left the country was on a missions trip to Guatemala when I was 14.
I went to piano camp for 10 days in high school.
I spent most of my high school years at piano competitions. I won first place once.
I interviewed with Princeton during my college search (I was not accepted).
I went to the same college as a US president and received a scholarship in his name.
I lived in Brazil for one month in 2014 and attended the US vs. Ghana game at the 2014 World Cup.
I lived in Ecuador for one month in 2015.
The best meal I ever ate was at a cafe in Gdańsk, Poland: potato pancakes with smoked salmon, sour cream, and caviar.
I have attempted to learn at least 9 languages. I can speak English and Portuguese, and I used to be able to speak Spanish and Polish (sorta).
I played piano at a reception for Sandra Day O’Connor when she visited my alma mater, and I met her briefly.
Despite majoring in music in college, I took so many history classes that I was only a few credits away from being a history major as well.
I wrote a thesis about Dmitri Shostakovich as part of my honor’s program in college.
I worked as a writing tutor, organist, accompanist, assistant editor, music assistant, and piano teacher while I was doing my undergrad (thankfully not all at the same time).
I have given 4 solo piano recitals and played a concerto movement with an orchestra.
I substitute taught a class at the Guthrie, and I have been an assistant in a few other classes/workshops.
Baking chocolate chip cookies is one of my favorite activities.
I met the love of my life when I went back to Brazil in 2019, only to discover that his hometown is the same city I lived in when I was there in 2014.

Day 17: Your zodiac sign (?)

I don’t buy into my generation’s fascination with zodiac signs. I’ve always been told that horoscopes are written in such a way that anyone could see themselves reflected in any sign, and I’ve generally observed this to be true. However, a lot of people are really interested in this. No judgment, but I don’t really get it. We all have to get our identity from somewhere. Some people get it from their own accomplishments or brain power. Others get it from popularity or fame. Others try to track patterns in the stars. I believe in God, an active Creator who created each one of us with care. Many of the battles we fight on a personal level come down to our beliefs about who God is and who we are.

For what it’s worth, I’m a scorpio. I relate to some things about the type but not others. I hesitate to go into details about how I relate and how I don’t relate, because I don’t put a lot of stock into the whole thing. I am going to take a little detour here into other personality tests and types (as I have more interest in those).

My friends and I enjoyed taking personality tests together in college and sharing our results (which is something we still do pretty often). We love the silly ones on Buzzfeed, but we have taken our fair share of others that provide us a little more insight into how we tick. There are two in particular that have benefited me a lot: the Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram (I’ve never taken a Strengths Finder, but I’ve done something else that is similar). I discovered that my Myers-Briggs is INFJ and I’m an Enneagram One.

I loved my Myers-Briggs results. I felt that INFJ really fit me and explained why I often felt misunderstood. It highlighted some of the things I care most about and gave me confidence to pursue those. In many ways, it validated my introversion and allowed me to feel more comfortable with my personality. It’s always helpful to feel like someone else relates to your challenges and experiences. My experience with the Enneagram, however, was a bit of a bumpy ride. If you’re familiar with the Enneagram, you know that that there are 9 personality types (with endless combinations of various sub-types, wings, and levels). This system focuses more on personal development and growth (which means coming to terms with your not-so-nice qualities).

When I first read my Enneagram One description, I shut my laptop and just thought, “Nope.” I definitely felt exposed, and I wasn’t ready to accept this description of myself. Ones are known for (often) being perfectionists who are focused on doing things right more than anything else. They are most worried about being defective, wrong, and evil. I came back to the Enneagram a few years after I first took the test, more open to the possibility of learning something, and I began a journey of personal exploration that has benefited me more than almost anything else I’ve ever done. In conjunction with my journey through therapy, realizing my toxic traits and which lies they spring from has helped me so much.

If you don’t know anything about the Enneagram, you can find an endless amount of information online, especially as it grows in popularity. As mentioned above, there are many tendencies that differ from person to person. There are many different reasons for a person to turn out the way they do. But the knowledge of this type has helped me a lot over the last couple of years. I would encourage anyone reading this to think about the source of their identity. We live in a society where a lot of people are encouraging others to create their own identities. The answer to this question of the source of our identity is paramount in terms of who we become. What we believe about who we are and where we come from actually determines who we become.

Day 16: Something that you miss

I don’t miss my daily commute. I don’t miss how busy I was, if I’m being honest. When quarantine began, I quickly discovered how little my busyness was doing for me. What I do miss is normalcy. I miss looking forward to things. Plans didn’t feel so fragile before this started. I know, pandemic or no, that there is always the possibility that plans could change, and that’s okay. But now it feels like an inevitability that things will have to be postponed or cancelled. It has become an expectation for me, which probably isn’t a healthy way for me to handle this difficult time.

I’m always missing someone or something. It’s something I have struggled with for some time. I started seeing a therapist about two years ago, and the thing we’ve worked on most is staying in the present moment. I have spent a lot of time thinking about either the past or the future, rarely paying attention to what is happening right now.

When I think about the past, I think about the people I miss and the experiences I’ve had. Sometimes I wish I could just take a trip back to a memory and live in it for a while. Just a little vacation from the present. I’ve also spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about mistakes I’ve made or things I wish I would have done differently. The problem is that this pattern of thinking doesn’t do much for me. Sometimes I can think back to something and deal with my own emotions and interpretations of what happened, and this is healthy. But if I keep going over it again and again, it turns into a meditation, and this is not helpful.

When I think about all the people and experiences that I miss, it’s easy to forget about the things I do have right now. This pattern of thinking makes me feel like I’ve lost something because I was happier then than I am right now. This isn’t the right way to think about it. The amazing experiences and wonderful people I’ve met have all contributed to who I am today. They’re the reason I have those memories to replay in the first place. These happy memories should be something that can sustain me through the difficult season, rather than something that makes me lament the good times that will never return.

Good times will return. If I put my happy memories in context, I see unhappy memories scattered around them. Life has always been a mixed bag. Even though missing people is painful, I can be thankful that those people were part of my life in the first place. When I miss something or someone, it signals that I’ve had a lot of blessings in my life. The bitterness of just one season doesn’t need to take that away.

Day 15: My day in bullet-points

Welcome to Groundhog Day. You know how it is. This is May 20, 2020.

Wake up and do my at-home morning routine (short and sweet)
Turn on my work computer, open all my tabs, check the calendar for meetings
Make breakfast: egg whites, sausage, and swiss on a wrap
Watch The Clone Wars series while doing data cleanup work
Edit today’s blog post, then publish and share
Read a chapter of Beyond Talent: Creating a Successful Career in Music by Angela Myles Beeching
Study Portuguese with Using Portuguese
Watch an episode of Coisa Mais Linda to practice my Portuguese
Make lunch: leftover chicken and rice and a lime popsicle
Watch Mulan and do some more data cleanup work
Write first draft of the blog post for the next day
Read 25 pages of A Canticle for Leibowitz by Walter M. Miller, Jr.
Eat some zucchini bread
Watch Khan Academy videos about personal finance and housing
Watch Psych and do a little more data cleanup work
Walk and listen to the Office Ladies podcast
Shower
Eat dinner: lamb burgers with goat cheese and a side of green beans (and red wine)
Video call my boyfriend Saulo
Watch YouTube videos of people trying to guess what language other people are speaking
Show my parents some TikToks
Read my Bible (if you want to get a routine going, try a yearly plan–it works wonders)
Watch Psych and doze off
Fall asleep to the sounds of Parks & Recreation

Notes:

I do have more of a job than just mindless data cleanup. I also answer the phone and do some other tasks, though my job has certain shifted quite a bit since we all started working remotely.
Wednesday is my dad’s day off and a half-day for my mom. It’s always nice to have some people around, as I don’t get the interaction at the office anymore.
Now you can see some (not all!) of the media I’m consuming during the quarantine. Wow.
Empty spaces between some of these bullet points are less often filled with scrolling social media and more often filled with playing Mario Kart on my phone. This is intentional.
Yesterday I listened to Brazilian jazz while I studied Portuguese (as I normally do) and to the Finding Nemo soundtrack while I was writing.
I’m glad I was able to record a day with a video call to my best friend!

Day 14: Movies you never get tired of watching

Which movies will you always watch if you catch them on TV? Even if it’s just a few minutes? That’s how I picked the movies in this list. This is not a complete list by any means, but these are some of my favorites in a few different genres.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

I inherited this one from my dad. Before I ever saw this movie myself, I couldn’t understand why my dad would always turn it on when he saw it on the channel guide. When I finally watched it, I understood! There are few movies that bring me as much joy as this one. There are so many hilarious and iconic moments throughout. I love John Hughes movies in general, but I’m not always in the mood for something like The Breakfast Club. Not so with Ferris. This is definitely a go-to.

Inglourious Basterds

Maybe this is going to seem like an odd choice after my first one, but I love this movie. As with John Hughes, I love Quentin Tarantino movies in general, but I’m not always in the mood for them. I’ll watch this movie almost every chance I get. There are several storylines switching back and forth before the final action begins and all the characters come together. The acting is fabulous, and this movie made me want to learn French, German, and Italian so I could communicate as effortlessly as the European characters in the movie do (unsurprisingly, the American characters are not nearly as adept, which makes for some laughs). There is danger, intrigue, action, and definitely a lot of indulgent humor. It’s always worth watching at least a few minutes of it.

Monsters, Inc.

There are a few other Disney and/or Pixar movies I could have listed here, but this one is by far my favorite. I really think it’s the Billy Crystal/John Goodman buddy combo that does it for me. I love movies and TV shows about friendship (my favorite series is Psych), and this one is really all about the friendship between Mike and Sully (and eventually Boo, too). When I was a kid, I watched this movie over and over again; I still have most of the script memorized. I watched all of the behind-the-scenes content as well. I always get a kick out of the jokes, and it’s such a heartwarming story on so many fronts. And the music is jazzy and fun, thanks to Randy Newman.

Maid in Manhattan

I haven’t watched this movie for a long time, but I’m always excited to watch it. I can’t really identify why I love it so much. It’s probably Ralph Fiennes, if I’m being honest. (He’s going to show up a couple more times on this list; I’m a fan.) As far as romantic comedies go, it’s not necessarily the most original or the best executed, but something about it just gets me. I’ve always enjoyed seeing Jennifer Lopez in romantic comedies, and Tyler Posey is adorable as her little boy, too. I love “unlikely” love stories, even if they’re packaged in predictable rom-com packages. It’s like a Cinderella story, and I’ve got a weakness for those.

The Prince of Egypt

The music in this movie. There are a few movies that will make me cry every single time I watch them, and this is one. Hans Zimmer is my favorite movie composer, and this is one of my favorites of his scores. The songs are so inspiring and beautiful. You can feel the weight of the story in every piece of it. What is happening feels so significant. The spirit of the whole moment is right there. The animation is also gorgeous, and the creators captured the biblical scale of the story (even though they toned down some of the signs and the plagues). When I was a kid, I was totally captivated by this film, and this has not changed.

The Dark Knight

If I have to pick one Chris Nolan movie to go on this list, it’s gotta be this one. It’s a pretty dark movie, but it’s one I have enjoyed watching over and over again. I’ve even had a movie night with friends when we called each other and watched/discussed it together. It’s consistently fascinating to see Heath Ledger in this role, and I always notice more nuances of his performance upon rewatch. There are also so many musings on good, evil, corruption, and justice that I have a slightly different perception of it every time I watch. These are things our society grapples with all the time, so this film always feels relevant to me.

The Grand Budapest Hotel

This movie brought me so much joy from the first moment I ever saw it. It’s delightfully weird and funny, with a great cast, and I enjoy Wes Anderson’s quirky style. I love the colors and the feel of this movie the most. The story is all over the place, and there is a lot of odd humor, which I particularly enjoy. I always have a good time watching this film, and I always get some great laughs out of it.

Sabrina

The original. With Audrey Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart. The Billy Wilder script. The dynamic between Hepburn, Bogart, and Holden. La Vie en Rose. I love everything about this movie. As mentioned above, I love unexpected love stories. Hepburn and Bogart are two of my favorite actors of the era, and I love seeing them together. Her style in this movie inspired me a lot in my late teen years when I chopped all my hair off and dreamed of walking through Paris in the rain (without an umbrella). It’s a film I don’t watch nearly often enough. I love it.

Day 13: What are you excited about?

My answer to this would have been a little different a few months ago. I imagine this is true for most people right now. There has been a lot of disappointment this year. I was excited for a lot of things. I was excited about shows I was going to see, friends who were going to visit, new opportunities I was going to have. Last night I was thinking about what I thought my life would be in April, May, and June. Certainly nothing like this.

When I started thinking about that, I got really discouraged. I thought about all the things I had lost due to the shutdown. I really had an exciting spring planned, probably the most exciting spring I’ve ever had. There has been a grieving process in letting those things go. It’s difficult to see right now how those things will be restored, but I have to believe they will. Right now there is something much more profound at work.

I’m excited about different things now. Because I don’t know about future plans, sadly I sometimes feel a sense of dread about the future. I’m working on turning that dread into optimism. But there has been a lot of disappointment to process, and it’s always a challenge. Now I’m excited about things that exist closer to my present moment. On Saturday, I was excited to bake a pie with my mom. It was a spur of the moment idea, and we had a lot of fun (and it turned out quite well!). Video calling my boyfriend or my friends makes me excited. I always feel refreshed after I connect with them. I get excited when the weather is nice enough that I can take a long walk and then relax in my hammock for a while. I love the excitement that comes with starting a new book or a new project.

A crisis like this has a way of bringing the attention to the present moment. There is an understanding of the idea that tomorrow isn’t promised. We must find joy and fulfillment in today, even if we aren’t where we want to be yet. What I’m truly excited for is seeing how this quarantine has changed each of us. I know I’m a different person than I was at the beginning of this year, and this growth feels incredibly accelerated. It’s exhausting at times, as I like to limit myself to one epiphany per week if possible, but God has been so present and kind in revealing unhealthy thought patterns and beliefs during this time.

Quarantine has revealed things to each one of us. For me, some of the truths were enlightening and beautiful; others were difficult, ugly truths that required me to humbly acknowledge them and change. Every day offers this opportunity, but I am often too distracted and busy to notice. My priorities have changed. My perception has changed. My relationships have deepened. I’m excited to see what kind of people we all are when this is over.

Day 12: Five blessings

Feeling #blessed in a season like this one doesn’t happen naturally. Joy must be intentional right now, and thankfulness helps me stave off depression on a daily basis. This list is just a small sampling of specific blessings, some that help me directly during this time and others that sustain me through the wilderness by reminding me of God’s faithfulness in every part of my story.

1) Family

I’m thankful that my parents and I get along so well and enjoy each other’s company. I’ve been living with them since I graduated two years ago (to save money), but I will be moving out later this year when I find an apartment. I’m truly enjoying this time with them, even though we get bored and frustrated with the lockdown at times. I’m blessed to have them, as they have always made home a safe place for me.

I’m also thankful for my extended family and the way they have cared for me over the years. I can see how blessed I am to have so many people who love and care about me. Every family is different, and no family is perfect; but I recognize how blessed I am with mine. I’m also so thankful for my Brazil family, who were quick to accept me and make me feel totally at home with them.

2) College friends

This isn’t to diminish friendships I made outside college (because many of those have been absolutely vital to me), but I want to highlight my college friends here. When I went to college, I hoped to make some great friends. I was completely shocked at how wonderful my college friends turned out to be. In my experience, small schools had been a problem. It was easy to feel lonely and excluded. I worried that my small college would be like this too. However, my college experience turned out to be the opposite of everything I had experienced before. By senior year, I had a group of friends who knew me better than anyone else ever had. They had walked with me through a lot of painful experiences, and we understood each other’s struggles very well. My college friends have stayed close in the years following, and I could not be more thankful for them.

3) Financial provision

My final years of high school were stressful. I wanted to go to college because I loved to learn and wanted opportunities and good connections. I was concerned about the financial burden and hesitant to take out large loans. I knew my test scores were good but not good enough to make me competitive at a lot of my dream schools. I applied to a couple East Coast schools and was wait-listed at one and rejected at another. Long story short, I received a scholarship at my undergraduate institution that allowed me (with help from my parents and some part-time campus jobs) to get my Bachelor’s without taking out any loans. I also had the opportunity to travel to four countries during my college years, and those experience shaped my life in countless ways. I thought the blessing would end there.

I wanted to apply for graduate school. My college piano professor encouraged me to apply, and I was excited about the prospect. I became discouraged as I was again hesitant to take out large loans and wasn’t sure I could compete at my dream schools. I was in Redding, California, with some friends over winter break and had someone give me a simple prophetic word: 10K. What he didn’t know was that I had been number crunching in the days prior and knew that I needed to be able to receive $10,000 a year in order to be able to live with family, teach on the side, and live within my means.

A few weeks later I was awarded a graduate assistantship at a graduate school that would allow me to work with a professor I already knew and admired and to make enough money between the stipend, teaching, and extra gigs to live within my means and not have to take out any loans. Not only were my finances taken care of, but I had an incredible experience. I grew not only into a better musician but a more courageous person.

4) Mentors

There are three sets of mentors I’m particularly thankful for, and it might seem like cognitive dissonance: pastors, piano teachers, and professors. I’ll start with pastors, the people who gave me stability and helped me build a foundation for my life. As a child, I was both hurt and healed by Christians. I encountered God at a young age at revival meetings at our church and understood what it meant to be in relationship with God on a daily basis. My mom became a children’s pastor, and our staff of pastors helped guide me through some of the most difficult times of my life. While other Christians had hurt me deeply, this group of people demonstrated God’s love, which sustained me through some very painful experiences.

I’m incredibly thankful for my piano teachers, who have also been a sustaining force through stormy seasons. It wasn’t just about my progress for them; they cared about my life. Playing piano often provided an escape for me, but my piano teachers molded it into much more. They helped me see how many opportunities I could have, and they continue to do this now. In a similar way, my college professors provided so many valuable insights into what the future could hold for me. They challenged me, while also encouraging me and drawing out my best work. I am blessed to keep in contact with my college professors; I love sitting down for coffee or a meal with them whenever I can.

5) Love

This post wouldn’t be complete without expressing my thankfulness for Saulo, the love of my life. He blesses me every single day. Dating from a distance has been more difficult and painful than I ever anticipated, but there is something so special about appreciating the sacrifices we have both made to be together. Intentionality is the foundation of the relationship because we wouldn’t have been together if we hadn’t decided from the first moment that it was worth it. Being apart, we can’t be blessed by gifts or time spent together physically, so we have to find other ways to bless each other. Saulo goes out of his way to make sure I feel loved, valued, and safe in this relationship. He is truly a gift from God in my life.

Day 11: Something you always think “What if…” about

This is a season of what-ifs. I don’t know a single person whose life and plans haven’t been affected by everything that is happening right now. This week I have been wrestling with several what-ifs of my own. Answering this prompt feels a little different right now. My life has been turned upside down in many ways. I’m sure anyone reading this can relate to that. It’s natural to play out scenarios in your head, to try to figure out how you would react in every possible outcome you can imagine. I’ve spent my fair share of time wondering what would happen if I lost a loved one or if myself or someone I love were diagnosed with a terminal illness. My imagination can lead me to a dark and painful place if I allow it. The more I think about what could go wrong, the more I start to wonder if tragedy is just around the corner. What if something terrible is coming?

I realize how futile that line of thinking is, but it usually isn’t easy to make myself stop. These scenarios playing out in my head easily lead me to despair. It’s easy to forget that anything has ever gone right when it feels like everything is going wrong. My imaginings prevent me from remembering all the times when God was faithful and everything worked out. My first line of defense against this rabbit hole of despair is thankfulness. Thankfulness reminds me of all the things that have gone right, especially the things I wasn’t powerful enough to change on my own. This fosters trust in God’s promises and His faithfulness.

My power lies in my ability to change my what-ifs by shifting my focus slightly. When I uproot my what-ifs from a place of fear and plant them in hope instead, my perspective shifts. Instead of asking questions about what will happen if I experience a loss or a disappointment, I ask questions about what good things could be around the corner, what dreams could be fulfilled. What if, instead of making my what-ifs about what could go wrong, I make them about what could go right? Losses and disappointments will come, but it doesn’t mean that the good things are gone forever.

It’s so easy to jump straight to worse-case scenarios. Our scary what-ifs lead to even scarier ones, and we follow them down that rabbit hole of despair. This is my imagination tool being used incorrectly. Just because my mind has the ability to create scenarios doesn’t mean they are realistic scenarios, and it also doesn’t mean they need to be negative scenarios. I can imagine positive things instead, if I choose. It takes practice, but each of us has the power to do it.

What if someday I will be able to have a job in a field I’m passionate about? What if I can live an amazing life with the people I love? What if I will have enough money to provide for the needs of my family and to give to others generously? What if I will create something that will help others? What if my children grow up to be amazing people who will change the world forever?

See? It can work both ways. It’s all going to be okay.