Day 10: Something you have strong feelings about

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about poverty and how we relate to it when we aren’t the ones experiencing it directly. One time I observed a group exercise in which a group of high school seniors had to decide how to disburse a certain amount of money, something like $10 trillion. I remember one of them saying, “Well, you can’t really do anything about poverty, so maybe we shouldn’t use a very big percentage of the total for that.” Poverty was not discussed again after that moment.

That certainly wasn’t the first time I had ever heard something like that. Conversely, I observe many people who talk about poverty constantly, eager to blame certain forms of government or ideology for poverty. It becomes an argument about power rather than solutions. The difficulty is that solutions aren’t simple by any stretch of the imagination. As we have seen, raising money to send to underdeveloped countries doesn’t solve problems of injustice, corruption, lack of resources, or natural disasters (among many other things) that can cause widespread poverty.

Poverty is so shameful and dehumanizing that it makes us uncomfortable just thinking about it. I have never experienced poverty, and just thinking about the situations that people are face on a daily basis unsettles me. I can’t imagine not knowing where my next meal will come from or whether I will have a place to live. Particularly in America, I notice how people will justify the poverty around them by making some assumptions about the individual. There is often an assumption that poor people want to live off the system, that they’re irresponsible or on drugs, that they’re living the consequences of their choices. In some cases, this may be true. Pity can certainly be just as useless and dehumanizing as these assumptions, so what’s the answer?

Psychologists tell us that our brains like to find the quickest path to a conclusion. That’s why stereotypes exist; our brain likes to categorize people because it’s less work. I don’t want to rely on these shortcuts as I observe the world around me. I want to view my neighbors as human beings with the potential to do good in the world. Each of us has the same potential for good and evil; a lot of people aren’t given the tools or confidence to pursue the good. This is not about removing personal responsibility. It’s about empowering people to rise up in dignity and have the ability to contribute to the well-being of themselves, their families, and the world at large.

I am challenging myself in this, to think about how best to love my neighbor. Maybe it’s not so jazzy to volunteer or work in my own community to help people. It would look cooler to go somewhere else, to travel the world doing it. And don’t get me wrong, I would love to do that too, and it’s not a bad thing. But how can I care about the person on the other side of world but not the one down the street? I think we often become ambitious about the great work we want to do, and we undervalue the people right in front of us. I believe we are to be responsible for our own communities first. Because our American culture is so focused on personal development and individual success, we have a tendency to make it about ourselves instead of about the people we claim we want to help.

I highly recommend When Helping Hurts by Brian Fikkert and Steve Corbett if you are looking for a biblical approach to poverty alleviation that values the humanity and potential of every person. This book has helped me to begin evaluating the complex reasons for poverty and how they differ from community to community and person to person. It has also helped me to identify my own pride and biases, explaining how our worldviews affect our poverty alleviation strategies. When we believe we have the solutions to all problems just because we are white, middle-class Christian Americans, what we actually have is a god complex. We believe people must simply emulate us, and this is arrogance and privilege. We must approach the poor with humility and humanity, recognizing that the best source for solutions is often found within the individuals who are living in the midst of the problems. We must help them tap into their own power and creativity; they will accomplish it better than we can as outsiders.

I recognize how complicated it is. But in my God I see a value for all humanity, with special attention reserved for the poorest of us. About half the world lives on $5.50 per day. These are our neighbors. Imagine what these people are capable of. They can often only focus on their most basic needs because it’s a matter of survival. If they were able to pursue higher goals, imagine what they could do. We must value and recognize their humanity, regardless of their race or background or socio-economic standing. It should matter to us that they are prevented from reaching their God-given potential because they lack their most basic needs.

Day 9: Words of wisdom

Perspective is truly valuable. In the middle of a crisis, a little perspective can change everything. When I feel totally surrounded by bad news, I try to turn my attention to something else. Sometimes the something else is silly or fun or meaningless, and other times I look for something that will help me gain some perspective. Today I chose some words of wisdom that I saw on Randall Worley’s Instagram page a few weeks ago. He posted a photo with the quote: “We know we are being guided and our complete reliance on that guidance is exactly what allows our journey to happen.” In the caption he included a quote from Byron Katie:

If you want real control, drop the illusion of control; let life have you. It does anyway. You’re just telling yourself the story of how it doesn’t.

I’m a planner. I’m strategic. I tend to overthink things. When life doesn’t go as planned, I’m reminded of my own humanity in the sense that there are many things I can’t control. There are many things upon which my actions have no effect. I can plan and strategize and worry ad infinitum. But I find that things never truly go according to plan. My feeble attempts to control things undermine my trust in God, all the while further convincing myself that I know how things should happen.

I never realized how arrogant that was until now. Don’t get me wrong. It’s good to set goals and plan things out. It’s good to be prepared and to take precautions. But if I believe that my preparations mean that I’m in control of the outcome, I’ve crossed a line into believing I’m more than I really am. Dependence is the better path because it’s the path that accepts the reality of my smallness in the universe. It’s the realization that I am not a god. I need help. I need wisdom. I need provision.

There is freedom in admitting that I don’t have the answers. It doesn’t mean that I give up on planning or setting goals. Rather, I have the freedom to make trust in God my foundation. The answers will come. The right doors will open. The season will change. The storm will be stilled. Sometimes the only thing I can do is stop and listen, meditating on the truth that can’t be shaken. The only thing I can truly control is what I will believe and how I will respond in crisis. And I choose trust.

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39

Day 7: Ten songs that you’re loving right now

The right music has been vital during the quarantine. From day to day, as my mood fluctuates, so does my taste in music. Some days are quiet, good for prayer. Other days are a little more active. As I write this, I’m listening to a playlist of 70s songs. Sometimes I listen to Brazilian jazz and bossa nova playlists. Sometimes I listen to movie soundtracks. I’m all over the place. So here are ten songs I really love, some from recently released albums and other standbys that I’ve loved for some time. Think of this as the list of songs that define my time in lockdown. I’ll share some favorite lyrics too.

1) “No One Ever Cared for Me Like Jesus” by Steffany Gretzinger

I had to choose a track from Steffany’s new album just to highlight how much I love this album. I don’t know that I could rightly even choose a single song, but today I was feeling this one. Steffany’s new album is intimate and precious in a way that has been indispensable to me during this time. This quarantine has been a time of growing in intimacy with God, and Steffany’s album has been instrumental in that process for me.

Let my children tell their children
Let this be their memory
That all my treasure was in heaven
And You were everything to me

2) “Dancing On the Waves” by We the Kingdom

This song came into my life at the perfect time. This time of crisis has been filled with anxiety about how the shutdowns will affect my future plans. Hearing so much negativity from day to day takes its toll. And I have felt totally powerless sitting at home. As a result, I’ve spent a lot of time in prayer, and God used this song to speak to my spirit and remind me that life isn’t cancelled. God is still God, and miracles still happen.

I set every star into place
So you would remember my name
I made it all for you
You are my masterpiece
You are the reason I sing
This is my song for you

3) “Faultlines” by kalley

I listened to kalley’s solo album some time ago when she first released it. I rediscovered it during quarantine and found a goldmine. I’m so thankful for kalley’s voice not only in the Church but also in the world. She has a beautiful way of expressing the truth and the mystery surrounding it. I love “Faultlines” because it is about the tension that exists in the moments when it feels like everything is crashing down around us, all while we continue to believe that God is good and that He is with us in the middle of it.

Every burden You take
Every doubt and mistake
You don't send the earthquake
But you heal the heartache of it all

Nothing forgotten, nothing is wasted
With You

4) “The Road, the Rocks, and the Weeds” by John Mark McMillan

I listened to this track nonstop when John Mark McMillan first released it. He is far and above my favorite songwriter, and I feel like every new album builds on the previous one. I love discovering the nuances in his lyrics upon multiple listens, and I enjoy reading about the personal stories and revelations that inspired them.

Well, I've got no answers
For heartbreaks or cancers
But a Savior who suffers them with me
Singing, goodbye Olympus
The heart of my Maker
Is spread out on the roads, the rocks, and the weeds

5) “The Trapper and the Furrier” by Regina Spektor

I love Regina, and I’ve been thinking a lot about this track during this time. It’s about the way corruption results in injustice. I always find it pretty thought provoking, especially the verses. When I’m feeling especially angsty, this song always hits the nail on the head for me.

What a strange, strange world we live in
Where the good are damned and the wicked forgiven
What a strange, strange world we live in
Those who don't have lose, Those who've got get given
More, more, more

6) “Ladies Who Lunch” by Stephen Sondheim

I spent the first part of quarantine finishing my read-through of Sondheim’s books Finishing the Hat and Look, I Made a Hat. The nice part about being home while I read the second book was being able to listen to the musicals as I was reading the lyrics. I loved learning more about his musicals, and it was perfect timing, as he just celebrated his 90th birthday. I was able to see this lovely number recreated by Christine Baranski, Meryl Streep, and Audra McDonald, which was marvelous, of course. Spending a little time with Sondheim has certainly made my quarantine better.

7) “Eu TambĂ©m” by Kemuel

My boyfriend Saulo challenged me to learn some songs in Portuguese while I’m home. This has been a great challenge that has helped me grow in confidence as I continue to learn Portuguese. This song is the Portuguese version of the Hillsong song “So Will I,” which is one of my favorite worship songs. There are a lot of lyrics, and it is poetic and beautiful. As I’ve learned the Portuguese lyrics, I’ve discovered that I enjoy singing it in Portuguese almost more than English, which is fun.

8) “Joy Invincible” by Switchfoot (feat. Jenn Johnson)

I always find hope in Switchfoot songs during the most difficult times in my life. As Jenn Johnson is another of my favorite vocalists, I was delighted to see her included on this track. This song gives me the strength to hold on and reminds me that God is faithful. It’s also just fun to listen to.

Hold to what's real
Everything heals
We are the children of the promise

Hallelujah, nevertheless was the song that pain couldn't destroy 
Hallelujah, nevertheless, You're my joy invincible

9) “Sparrows and Lilies” by Pat Barrett

This was one of the first songs I turned to in quarantine to sing over this entire situation. I heard this song several months ago, and I find that it’s always relevant. It’s simple but reflects the sentiments we find in the Sermon on the Mount. Worry doesn’t get us anywhere. Things are going to get better.

I have seen the sparrow
I have watched it fly
Though she does not worry
Tell me why should I?

10) “mother tongue” by Bring Me The Horizon

I chose this song because it always reminds me of Saulo. He introduced me to this song last year, and I thought it perfectly described how we met and our relationship blossomed. There are even some Portuguese words in there, so it’s truly meant for us. On the days when I miss him more than usual, this song helps me remember how far we have already made it and keeps me focused on the future with him.

But I think we're chosen like our fates were woven
And all of those bad choices were left turns on the way

Day 5: Five places you want to visit

Once upon a time, two of my best friends and I decided to plan a trip together. As our list of potential destinations grew longer and longer, my friend Reggie made an apt observation: “Maybe it would be easier if we listed the places you didn’t want to go. That list would be much shorter.” And Reggie was right. So I decided to pick one place from every continent (aside from North America, sorry) that I would love to visit someday. I’ll tell you right now that I cheated–I couldn’t really just pick one place (and I couldn’t completely ignore North America either). It’s worth mentioning that I’m going to be listing mostly major cities, but I love visiting small towns that I’ve never heard of before.

1) Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

I’ve been to Brazil three times now, and I’m looking forward to spending lots of time there over the course of my lifetime. It’s a dream for my boyfriend and I to visit Rio together someday! I’ve spent all my time in Brazil in the Northeast so far, which has been wonderful. I love the people, the food, and the beaches. Natal already felt like a second home to me, but now it really is a second home for me, as this is where my boyfriend is from. But I would love to see other regions of Brazil and try out some new food and learn about other regional Brazilian cultures. Rio is so colorful and full of life. I would love to see Copacabana and Christ the Redeemer in person. And I would love to learn to samba!

South America honorable mentions: Buenos Aires, Argentina; the Bolivian salt flats; Chile; Machu Picchu; Cuenca, Ecuador; Colombia

2) Cape Town, South Africa

Cape Town is gorgeous, and I’ve heard great things about it. Every time I see photos of Cape Town, I wonder when I’ll get there. I just feel this sense of excitement and adventure. I have heard amazing stories from other people’s travels to South Africa. It just feels like I’m place I’m destined to be someday. My boyfriend and I discuss South Africa often, and we are both really excited about the possibility of visiting (or living??) there someday. I would also like to explore the rest of South Africa and would especially love the opportunity to observe the wildlife. I’ve never visited the continent of Africa before, and I can’t wait to experience it. I know my list of potential destinations will only grow.

Africa honorable mentions: Giza, Egypt; Lagos, Nigeria; Nairobi, Kenya; Ethiopia; Casablanca, Morocco

3) Paris, France

Europe is tricky, because I really want to go everywhere. This answer might seem a little basic, but I can’t make a choice in the Europe category without feeling like I’m betraying someone. To be honest, most of the reason I want to go to France comes down to food and wine. One of my favorite things is sitting in a European cafe with nowhere to go. Just sitting and watching people walk by. Drinking some coffee and eating a pastry. I just keep thinking about baguettes and cheese and wine, and I want to be there, stopping for a snack after looking at some art or walking through a cathedral. It sounds so pure and wonderful. It makes me want to write poetry.

Europe honorable mentions: Vienna, Austria; Edinburgh, Scotland; Italy; Spain; Ireland; Prague and ÄŚeskĂ˝ Krumlov, Czech Republic; St. Petersburg and Moscow, Russia; Budapest, Hungary; the Alps; Romania; Germany; Norway; Dubrovnik, Croatia; Sarajevo, Bosnia-Herzegovina; etc., etc., etc.

4) Tokyo, Japan

Asia is a huge continent, and it is full of places I want to visit. I picked Tokyo because I’ve recently had this strong desire to go to Japan. I think Japanese culture is so special and unique. The food is delicious, and I would love to experience it in its cultural context. I want to learn more about Japanese art and history. They have such a rich culture. I’m also curious to see Tokyo (as I am to see many Asian cities) because the American experience is so different in terms of big cities. The Japanese countryside is also gorgeous, and I would love to venture outside the city. Essentially, Japan is racing to the top of my list of destinations.

Asia honorable mentions: China; Hong Kong; Taiwan; Seoul, South Korea; Thailand; Vietnam; India; Singapore; Dubai, UAE; the Himalayas; Israel

5) Australia

Australia gets its own special category. I have wanted to go to Australia since childhood. One of my favorite movies was The Rescuers Down Under, and I was even practicing my Aussie accent in the early years. My friends can testify that I was a huge fan of an Australian television series called Rush when I was in college, which revived my love for Australia. My first choice of destinations (because of aforementioned series) is Melbourne, which is a cultural center of the world. I would also love to visit Sydney and Perth and many other places in Australia. I’m absolutely terrified of the Outback but simultaneously so fascinated by it. I simply must visit Australia at some point.

Honorable mention: New Zealand. I know it’s not part of Australia, but it’s also on my list of places to go someday. And it’s just so close to Australia that I would want to just stop by and say hello.

Bonus: Mexico City, Mexico

This is my blog, so I’m going to make my own choices and just include this one right here. I don’t feel right not including Mexico City on my list, given all the amazing things I’ve heard about it. I love Mexican culture and food, and Mexico City is so full of history and gorgeous architecture. I can’t wait to go!

Day 4: Someone who inspires you

Daily inspiration over the course of many years amounts to influence. I am blessed to have been influenced by many amazing people. I can think of a long list of people, most of whom I know personally, who have inspired me in countless ways. They have helped me to become who I am today. My friends have inspired me to stay curious, to have fun, to be myself. I hold my friends in such high esteem because I see them do incredible things all the time. My friends are bold. They’re creative. They’re kind. I’m thinking of several people in my life who fit in this category, and I’m truly blessed to know all of them. I’m thankful to have so many amazing people on the journey with me.

Try as I might, I couldn’t choose one single person for this post. I could keep going on and on about each of my friends, but I want to highlight three people in particular who inspire me every single day. First, my parents.

As you get older, you gain a lot of context on your parents. I’ve always been really close to mine. I’m thankful every single day for their influence in my life. It can’t be overstated. They were the first people who inspired me to love learning. They are both problem solvers. They look for the best way to do everything, and they look for ways to improve themselves constantly. They don’t settle. I’ve never seen my parents as people who will get to a certain point and just rest on their laurels. They can’t do it–staying the same would make them crazy.

When I was young, I was quite rigid. As I mentioned in my Day 2 post, I never forgot anything. From day to day I remembered my routine and I would freak out if that routine changed even slightly. For some reason, I felt like everything had to happen the exact same way every day. And I remember my parents sat me down and talked to me about how to accept change. Even though I was only about 6 or 7 years old, they had a serious conversation with me about the nature of life. They were like this with everything. It’s like they trusted me enough to tell me the truth. But they always managed to tell the truth in a way that made me feel loved and believed in.

I don’t know if I could ever properly express to them how important they are. As I stumble through this first decade of adulthood, I have started asking them questions about this stage in their lives. Every day I’m a little more thankful for their insight. They’ve inspired me to have a healthy marriage. They’ve inspired me to raise children the way they raised me. They’ve inspired me to walk in wisdom but to be willing to take risks in order to go after the calling God has placed on their lives. I can see them reflected in the decisions I make, and I’m so thankful for their influence.

A post on people who inspire me wouldn’t be complete without highlighting my boyfriend Saulo. I met him a little over a year ago, and he has totally changed my life. He is an artist who creates wonderful illustrations and animations. I love his imagination and his enthusiasm for what he does. He wants to use his creativity to help people, and this is exactly what he does. His willingness to share his work, to share himself even when he’s still in process, is something that has inspired me endlessly over the past year.

Being a perfectionist, I’ve generally hesitated to share anything with others while I’m still in process. I want whatever I share to be as close to perfect as possible. Of course, there’s always room for improvement. So ultimately, because there’s always further to travel on the pathway to perfection, I don’t share what I create. But Saulo has changed everything for me. He’s taught me so much about what it means to share my creativity and myself with others. From the beginning, he surprised me with his openness and his vulnerability. He’s truly one of the strongest people I know.

I won’t pretend that who I am is a result of my efforts alone. It’s not. I’m surrounded by world changers. I just want them to know that, even if they’re not sure if they’ve made a difference, they make my world a better place every day.

Day 2: Something someone told you about yourself that you never forgot

I forget most things almost immediately after I hear them. This was a big problem when I worked at Starbucks and had to ask people multiple times for their orders and/or their names (I wish I was kidding!). When I was a kid, I never forgot anything. I mean never. This worked to my advantage in a lot of ways but was a severe disadvantage in others. On the one hand, I memorized things with incredible speed and longevity. However, I also remembered everything everyone ever said to me. And I would recall these memories over and over again during my childhood.

There’s a saying about how you often don’t remember what people say to you but you always remember how they made you feel. As I got older, I had to teach myself to stop remembering every single thing every person had ever said to me. My memories whittled down to a few bad experiences that I never forgot. I’m sure everyone has stories like this. Those times when someone called you fat or stupid or ugly or weird. The shame I felt in those moments was something I couldn’t forget.

I used to dwell on those memories a lot. In college I actually felt really nervous that my professors and friends would discover the true me at some point. They would figure out that I wasn’t really as smart or nice as they thought I was. I spent a lot of time afraid that something was secretly wrong with me, something that I wouldn’t be able to detect or fix, something that would keep people away from me forever, something that would close all the doors to my future.

As it turned out, that moment where everyone left me never came. My mentors and friends continued to love me and spend time with me, even when they saw my imperfections. They didn’t judge me, and they helped me in working through my weaknesses and insecurities.

Only within the last few years have I started to understand my choice in the matter. I get to choose how I remember what has happened. I could choose to believe the people who told me I was fat and weird and not creative, or I can choose to believe the people who saw potential in me and helped me on the journey. It was never about needing to believe that I’m perfect exactly as I am. Because I’m not (and as a natural perfectionist, I’m always aware of this). But I don’t have to be.

What’s more, I now know that I can’t depend on other people to tell me who I am. Even when what they have to say is positive. I can’t help but think of Max Lucado’s You are Special, which was a formative story in my early years. A story that I didn’t really understand until recently.

If you aren’t familiar, the setting is a world in which wooden people award and punish each other with gold star and grey dot stickers. Some people are the winners, totally covered in gold stars; others are the outcasts, continually showered with ridicule and grey dots. What the reader discovers by the end is that the wooden people don’t have to let either of the stickers stick on them. In fact, the only way for them to be truly free is to understand that the dots and stars (the opinions of others) don’t really matter.

The wooden person in the story who lets all the stickers fall off–she spends a little time every day with the One who created her. He tells her about how He made her, and she finds that the praise and criticism of others means little when she knows the Maker’s heart. I’m thankful that the voice of the Maker can come through in the voices of my friends, family, and mentors. And I hope my voice can echo His in the lives of others too.

When I thought about an answer to this prompt, the first things I remembered were the bad things. The hurtful things that people have said to me over the years. I could remember a few of them, maybe about 6 at most. But then I started thinking about the positive things. I started thinking about all the ways my friends and professors have built me up and helped me. That list far outweighed the first one in the end.

One of my college professors told another of her students that she thought I would be president one day. I don’t have political aspirations, but it was a vote of confidence that meant a lot to me during my first year of college. Other professors asked my opinion about things, valued what I had to say, told me they were thankful to have me in class, told me they were inspired by my work. My friends told me I was beautiful inside and out and that I was interesting and nice and fun to be around. They used their words to build me up and have also helped me to see my shortcomings and learn how to be better.

So I guess maybe I don’t forget as many things as I think I do. When I go to the Source, finding my identity in the God who formed and created me, it turns out I can recognize His voice when it comes from Him and through others as well. And then when I think about the cruel things others have said, they just don’t fit. They don’t need to be part of the narrative anymore.

Day 1: List 10 things that make you really happy

In no particular order. Not an extensive list.

1) Live theatre

There is just something so electric about the entire experience. Before the show starts, there’s always this buzz in the air, and I love seeing the way the actors and the musicians and the designers and everyone else have all come together to make something totally unique. My parents took me to see Peter Pan when I was little, then Beauty and the Beast. It was something I really enjoyed from the start, but seeing Wicked totally changed my life my senior year of high school. I must have listened to/belted out that soundtrack 1000 times. Having had the opportunity to participate a few times as well, I’m looking forward to finding even more theatre experiences to be part of.

2) Giggle fits

I absolutely love moments when you just can’t hold it together. Usually it’s something totally goofy that is only uproariously funny in the moment but the moment is just so overwhelming that you can’t help but totally lose it. These moments are lighter than air.

3) Art museums

One of the most calming things I can do is go to an art museum. I have a curious mind, and I love seeing things I’ve never seen before. I love the feeling of standing in front of a painting or a sculpture and just letting my eyes slowly take in every detail. I don’t even know that much about art. Something about the experience just quiets my mind in a way few other things do. It’s even more special when I find a piece that sticks with me after I walk away, the type of piece I’ll try to see once or twice more before I leave the museum.

4) When friends reach major life milestones

There is something so special about watching your best friends in the whole world experience the joy and exhilaration that comes from reaching major life milestones. Welcoming a new spouse into the crew, meeting a new baby, reaching a career milestone, or finding their calling–these moments are so special when they’re shared with close friends. You know the road they’ve walked to get there, and seeing them get there is so wonderful.

5) A night at the orchestra

I love the music, but I think this is more about the idea and the feeling of spending a night at the orchestra more than anything else. Getting dressed up for a night of beautiful music gives me some of the same feelings as going to see a musical. Where a musical captures my attention and my excitement, the orchestra ignites my imagination. I love watching the different instruments, seeing how the conductor guides them. I like recognizing themes and motifs as they appear in all their forms. It’s something that smooths over the sharp edges of my mind, and I often find clarity in the orchestra hall.

6) Brazilian food

There’s a reason for the photo of the coxinha at the top, okay? I love Brazilian food. When I first visited Brazil in 2014, I was totally shocked at how much I loved the food. Coxinhas are a personal favorite. There’s (generally) chicken (and sometimes cheese) on the inside (though Brazilians love to customize–last time I was there I had a crab coxinha), surrounded by dough and fried. You get the crunchy outside with the soft inside, along with plenty of flavor. I love it. And that’s just one example. It took some effort to keep this list from becoming a list of 10 Brazilian foods that make me happy.

7) Hammocks

In keeping with the Brazilian theme, I really love hammocks. I finally bought one (in Brazil) in April of last year, and my parents bought a hammock stand so I can now use it. It’s marvelous. I love reading and napping outside, and this hammock is helping me make the most of all this time at home.

8) Baking cookies

I love baking in general and I love baking cookies in particular. I don’t know what it is about a batch of chocolate chip cookies that calms all my anxiety; but as long as it works for me, I’m going to keep doing it. I’ve made many variations on the basic chocolate chip cookie over the years, and it’s always fun to experiment a little. And obviously the cookie dough is one of the best parts of this experience.

9) Gorgeous scenery

Listen. Standing in front of the ocean, a mountain range, a canyon, a crater lake–these things take my breath away. Some of the most profound moments of my life have happened when I stand in front of something amazing. In these moments of wonder I’m totally present. I’m there. I can feel my mind stop with the constant thinking and planning, as a true sense of peace and quiet settles in. My favorite thing to do in those moments is to pray and listen.

10) Longstanding inside jokes with friends

This is one of my absolute favorite things. I especially love getting on the phone with college friends and laughing over things that happened years ago that no one else would understand. The sillier the better. I love when you can’t even remember the origin of the joke or the first time someone made it. You just know it’s a trademark of this one specific friendship, and it’s something you don’t have to share with anybody else. Just that specific friend.

30 Day Writing Challenge!

Have you ever had your flight delayed and found yourself waiting in the airport for several hours, slightly worried that your delayed flight will become a further delayed flight or even a cancelled flight? I have.

And let me tell you, this season of life is a lot like that.

It feels like everything has been delayed. Will things be delayed even longer? When will life go back to some form of normal? I don’t know. I’m finally becoming more satisfied with the fact that I don’t know. When people ask me questions about my 2020 plans, I feel free to answer “I don’t know,” without a shot of anxiety to my heart. It’s taken a lot of prayer to get me to that place.

The temptation to predict is real. That sense of control you get when you say, “The shutdown will last three months/six months/two years,” ad infinitum. As kalley (one of my favorite songwriters) says on her solo album Faultlines, “Control is not peace.” So, for now, instead of the illusion of control, I’ve opted for trust. And for following where God leads in the meantime.

So this might all seem a little unrelated, but I decided to do a 30 day writing challenge. Those times when I’ve been sitting in airports, uncertain of when I’ll be able to go to my next destination, are often made easier when I sit down and breathe for a few minutes, get out my journal, and pray. This writing challenge gives me something to accomplish every single day and the opportunity to share and interact in a new way. This is a brand new adventure for me, and I can’t wait to see where 30 days takes me. After searching, I found this plan, which I will be following with grace for myself if I miss a day or two.

You are more than welcome to share in this journey with me! I hope we can find deeper connections to our friends and family, ourselves, and God during this time. We may even be able to look back and say that a lockdown was exactly what we needed. This time need not be wasted. Let’s see what beauty can come of it.

Clutter

The most cluttered area of my living space is (usually) my closet. I’ve been living with my parents since I graduated about a year and a half ago, and I will be living with them for a few more months before I rent an apartment. My mom is the tidiest person I have ever met. Even down to the water spots in the sink. We always tease her about that.

I reorganized and cleaned out my closet this past weekend. It’s a task I only do every once in a while, when I realize that I have been hanging on to some old article of clothing that I was wearing in high school. In fact, this time around I threw away two pairs of extremely stretched-out gym shorts that I have owned since the 5th grade. I just turned twenty-six. My mom and I joke about those shorts, paint-splattered from a missions trip to Guatemala in eighth grade. They have traveled with me from Minnesota to college in Illinois to various trips around the world and back to Minnesota for grad school and beyond. This summer I tried to wear them again, and they were so stretched out that they would no longer stay on my hips. It was time to say goodbye.

Despite how I drag my feet leading up to one of these clutter-purging sessions, I really enjoy the feeling of getting everything organized and straightened out. It feels a little like that’s what the past year and a half of my life has been in a more emotional and spiritual sense. And perhaps I should take a more positive look at it, in spite of how difficult and tumultuous it has been at times.

I think of the de-cluttering process in three steps (in both the literal and the figurative senses):

1) Throw out

2) Move around

3) Bring in the new

Throwing out seems like it should mean throwing out people or situations, right? If I just get rid of this person, this job, this church, etc., everything will be fine. But I’ve found that this is not a successful strategy for me. Even if I find a way to remove [fill in the blank] from my life (which is necessary at times), there are residuals, memories, beliefs.

What I can do as I continue this journey is take stock of these bad beliefs and throw them out as often as I am able to find their hiding spots. Long-term, it’s beliefs that are so sticky and stubborn. No use hanging on to the ones keeping me from moving forward.

Moving around is prioritizing what really matters. I’m learning a lot about priorities in this full season of my life, always running from one place to the next. Where can I create space? How am I filling my space? What matters to me? A lot of things have been shaking and moving around since I graduated high school. My priorities have shifted and shifted again. On the verge of some major life changes, I’m spending my time figuring out where everything belongs.

And last, bringing in the new. Change is difficult for me sometimes. Taking a step forward into something I haven’t done before. It’s not that I dislike change or even fiercely resist it. It just takes time for me to realize that the time for a change has arrived, that the necessity for a change has overtaken everything else.

It’s an exciting time. A year ago, I balked at the idea of creating a new identity for myself, of making my own choices and forging a path forward, even though it would certainly involve learning something new. As I began to let go of my own shame, my own negative self-thinking and self-talk, I started to see the endless possibilities of a season like this one.

I can’t wait to see what happens next.